Gay Guyinist Goofs
Once again, the need for a straight guy guyinist advice columnist has become painfully obvious.
In my post In Defense of Guys, I laid out the case that it is simply unacceptable that the best guys have had for a pro-guy guy columnist is Dan Savage, a gay activist. As I wrote:
2. Dan advises women that oral comes standard, both sucking cock and eating pussy – easy for him to say – when was the last time his gay nose went anywhere near a wide-open stinkbox on a bad day? Talk about not practicing what you preach!
On the other hand, I, DirkJohanson, advise you that you should expect your cock to be sucked even if you don’t eat pussy.
3. Dan maintains that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat.
On the other hand, I, DirkJohanson, maintain that nearly all guys have the responsibility to cheat – because if you don’t, you are making all of us other guys look bad.
The need for a prominent straight-guy advice columnist again came to the fore in one of Savage’s most recent columns. A 34YO straight, single woman asked Savage how to best satisfy her fantasy “to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by.” The horny woman specifically inquired of Savage about whether she should consider doing so at a sex club nearby to her. Replied Savage,
“You could probably walk into a sex club and bend over—lord knows some gay men do just that—but it would be a bad idea.
“But you can realize your fantasy … and here’s how: Most swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with. Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in helping you realize it.
“And your fantasy is totally realizable—I’ve seen very similar ones realized once or twice—but the only way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men who take advantage of you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don’t attempt to do anything other than what you’ve consented to.
“Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to pretend your guardian angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one where you don’t know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in advance.”
Look – I’m not trying to savage Savage – Lord knows, its nice to at least have someone speaking out for us – but shouldn’t us be speaking out for us? Maybe like many of the women I know who request that I not wear a condom, the woman inquiring of Savage hates condoms and wants be ridden bareback. Is not what’s good for the bear – or Andrew Sullivan – good for the gander?
What does Dan Savage know about swingers clubs? Apparently, not much, but I, DirkJohanson, know a lot about them. I’ve been going to swingers clubs – numerous swingers clubs – for 18 years. I’ve fucked in swingers clubs, been sucked in swingers clubs, was the General Counsel for a swingers club, and a girlfriend of mine even resided in a swingers club, nightly sleeping on – and all-too-rarely fucking me on – one of the clubs’ fuck beds. I’ve even had a menage-a-14 in a swingers club.
In fact, sorry Dan, but while single guys often can’t get into a swingers club on a Saturday night, single guys are indeed welcome on most nights in nearly every swingers club in the land. I hate swinging as a single – single guys in a swingers club hold a sexual status somewhere between lepers and last pick in sports – but, ultimately, especially after the husbands and boyfriends of the swingstresses have dropped a load in or on some strange – there’s plenty of sex to be had, and the emotional bruising a single guy goes through watching dozens of people all around him have sex hour after hour can be easily avoided merely by showing up late.
Don’t believe me about single guys being allowed in? Lets go to the evidence: the websites of some of the top swingers clubs in the countries.
At the Red Rooster, in Vegas, which many regard as the best club in the whole U S of A, single guys can get lucky 7 nights a week. While there are limits on where guys can cruise the club solo, says the club: “Some single women are at the parties but there is normally a lot more single men then women. This is not a bad thing though, there are many couples that are looking to party with single men” (emphasis supplied).
At Trapeze, in Fort Lauderdale, regarded by many as the best swingers club on the East Coast, $100 gets a single guy a monthly membership, and as little as $45 more (on a Thursday, $75 on a Wednesday or Friday) gets the guy in the door of a club which requires – requires! – nudity throughout about a third of its square footage.
And, as I’ve been told by a club owner, the rules aren’t always the rules if you’re the right guy – I’ve been invited to several couples-only nights as a single, and the Trap ain’t turning away legendary baseball player, drug user, and swinger Darryl Strawberry if he shows up at the door without a date.
Savage also fails to mention the alternative of the many gang bang clubs throughout the land – organizations whose very vires is stuffing many cocks into a smaller number of chicks.
And if you’re a white guy like DirkJohanson, but not hung enough to want to show at Dark Caverns like DirkJohanson, out in Cali, there’s West Coast Gangbangs. Clubs like this all over the country.
Its not just Savage’s ignorance of swing clubs that’s a problem. Savage’s piece is tinged with heteroguyphobia. In putting a damper on the girl’s fantasy, you can almost hear Savage lamenting, “where where chicks like this before I decided I was gay?!” He advises the woman to “find a couple or two” – why not bring a large or otherwise intimidating guy she already knows in tow to look out for her? Us guys take very good of woman like that. As noted by Bill Maher, “Remember, ancient cultures, they would all sacrifice virgins to the gods, … the guys on earth were not about to sacrifice the sluts.”
Savage also fails to mention that the woman could arrange all this with the club management – presumably because club owners – like most owners of decent-sized businesses – are straight guys, and therefore presumably not to be trusted in the presence of naked strange.
And what does Dan Savage know firsthand about satisfying the fantasies of women who want to be blindfolded, bent over and fucked by random passers-by? In her inquiry, the woman specifically stated that going to the club first to talk to people “kind of kills the fantasy of it, really.” But his advice to the chick, who asked, “can I just walk in off the street and bend over?”, is to make a big production of it, and is to the effect of “beware of those horrible straight guys.”
To Dan Savage, a lot of us – or perhaps all of us inherently – are still the big bad straight guys. He doesn’t think guys that are sex-savvy enough to be in a swingers club are capable of acting appropriately. A woman wants to be fucked blindfolded by all-comers – Savage apparently pictures us trying to set her on fire or something.
The right advice, Dan, wouldn’t be to have this admirably horny woman throw herself in the hands of couples. The right advice would have been to tell her to show up on a Friday night, or, for the rare clubs that maintain such hours, on a Wednesday afternoon (doctors’ day off).
Yes, its true that, as Savage has boasted, he gives better advice than Prudie or Amy or Carolyn. But like Prudie and Amy and Carolyn, Savage sucks cocks. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you don’t – and neither do I. Who speaks to YOU?
or Dan Savage?
Who speaks to the guys – the regular guys – of not just America, but the world?
Me – DirkFuckingJohanson.
Now, my disciples, go and spread the word – before Dan Savage makes it even harder for us guys by talking even more chicks into not just going out and getting blindfolded and randomly and properly fucked. There are few enough such women to begin with.
And Dan Savage, I hereby issue you a challenge. Find me a website of just one on-premises swingers club in the United States – just one – that is open at least two nights a week and, by policy, does not allow single guys into the club.
Betcha can’t do it.
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