In Defense of Guys
In his recent column, “In Defense of Men” , gay Guyinist Dan Savage was, IMO, falsely accused in the following missive:
Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and “sex experts.” She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he’s the douchebag?
Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.
Savage fired back:
Excuse me? I’m the advice columnist — I’m practically the only advice columnist — who doesn’t automatically leap to the woman’s side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re not interested in sex anymore doesn’t mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won’t get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.
Sadly, Dan is right. More than a year after my world premier post, Welcome to The Balls Monologues, more than four years since the six female sex columnists in The Vagina Dialogues bemoaned the absence of straight guy sex columnists, I am the best we have for a voice.
And so it is that I have decided to begin an informal advice column of sorts. I have been dispensing advice to both guys and women on dating and relationship issues for years, including through Guy Critical and its successor, Answerology, and, in this blog, starting with my opening words to you to shave your balls in Welcome to The Balls Monologues. Simply email your questions to me, and I will post and answer them.
Since this is my first formal advice column, I will start off with the standard fake question.
Q. How should I pay the hooker? I lot of payahs have recommended to me that I put the money in a plain white envelope and hand it to the girl, but I don’t use snail mail much so I don’t have any plain white envelopes around my crib. Plus, I’m green-friendly: I don’t feel like going out and making a special trip to the store to buy a box of envelopes, not to mention wasting paper.
A. There is no magic to the standard plain-white envelope. While there are certain safety and security precautions hookers often take, one of the great things about hookers it that they don’t stand on convention.
Personally, I am not a big fan of the plain white envelope. Most hookers who are handed an envelope are put in the position of having to count the money right in front of you before the sex in order to ensure its all there, as if they were a wife. My preference it to leave the bills out fan-shaped on my breakfast bar, which doubles as a liquor bar. This method has several benefits. One is that, in case the girl is a cop, it adds an element of ambiguity as to whether I am paying for sex of just left some money out to impress her.
Secondly, it is left in an area where the girl can see it before going into the bedroom, so she knows she’ll get paid.
Third, the fan-shape allows the girl to eyeball the money and tell whether its all or substantially all there, and you don’t ever want a hooker to feel like she won’t get paid in full since if the girl thinks she isn’t getting paid in full, the sex won’t be as good.
What I find is that, by and large, the girls don’t even touch the money until the end of the session, which poses an advantage to you, since conventional wisdom, with which I take no issue, is that a payah is likely to get a better session out of a girl who hasn’t put the money in her purse yet.
Another envelope-free alternative to the breakfast bar is to leave the money on your dresser, which is a good precaution against cash-and-dash since you can then close the bedroom door behind you, making it more difficult for the girl to escape without giving you sex. However, personally, I rarely use the dresser method since I maintain a no-clothes-in-my-bedroom policy for women – women are not allowed in my bedroom without stripping totally naked first, including taking off their shoes, though they are specifically instructed not to remove any piercings. Naturally, few hookers want to enter the bedroom totally naked on the first visit without even seeing the money. I should note, however, that I can think of at least one exception, and she was the hottest thing I have had in my bed.
See – having to rely on a gay guy like Dan Savage to dispense guy-friendly advice is not enough.
Remember, this:
- Dan tells women that all guys watch porn.
On the other hand, I’m the guy who tells women that normal women watch porn (in fact, my 22YO bisexual ex-stripper sugarbaby told me just last night that she masturbated earlier that day to her favorite genre, gang-bang creampies),
- Dan tells women that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy).
On the other hand, I’m the guy who tells you that you should expect your cock to be sucked even if you don’t let your nose get near a chick’s stinkbox, especially one that’s retro hairy.
- Dan maintains that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat.
I maintain that, so long as the woman in your life has access to her own funds and doesn’t have to rely upon you to dispense money and is therefore herself cheating, you shouldn’t have to rely upon her to dispense sex, which basically means that for ALL of you, unless you are observing Sharia Law, you not only have the right to cheat, you have the responsibility – because if you DON’T cheat, you are making all of us other guys look bad. Remember, she’s cheating on you – why shouldn’t you cheat, too?
You won’t get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn – or Dan. Straight guys shouldn’t have to rely on other-than-straight-guys to defend ourselves. Because we’re guys, dammit!
DirkJohanson: defending guys, and making advice live up to its name.
Email your questions to me at DirkJohanson@guyinism.com.
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