More Advice You Won’t Get From Dan Savage

March 21, 2010

Not much beats the anticipation of waiting for an escort to show up. Whereas on a date with an amateur I’m rarely sure I’m going to get it, and when I’m with a regular girlfriend I don’t really much care (been there, done that, can do it just about whenever I want), an escort is virtually a sure thing with strange pussy of my choosing, or at least pussy I don’t see that often or have ready-access to.

Something that surely does beat the anticipation of an escort showing up is when the first escort doesn’t show up and I have to call a second. Assuming I haven’t become so disgusted or run out of time such that I can’t call another, that second escort is even more greatly anticipated and likely to be the recipient of the contents of even-fuller balls than the first escort would have been.

As you can imagine, when the second escort doesn’t show and I am not too disgusted or out of time or palatable options and call a third escort, the anticipation is even greater, and my balls even fuller, than for the second escort. In fact, I’m not even sure I’ve let it get to the point where I was anticipating and generating sperm for the third escort.

Until today.

BL gave me a fierce earful on Friday night, and announced on Facebook that I had broken up with her, and my sugarbaby has been tied up for a month with her toddler and isn’t free until next weekend. Having not done an escort in about six months, I am way overdue and so I kept looking and looking and making call after call trying to find the right girl and the right situation.

Finding the right situation isn’t always easy for me. I’m very particular, and generally focus my hunt on girls under 5’4″, under 120 pounds, and under 29 (I don’t do “29 year-olds” since I believe that’s the age a lot of escorts – just like amateurs - claim to be when they are actually considerably older – in fact, I’d much sooner do a purported 33 year-old, so long as she actually looks 33, than a purported 29 year-old, who might be using old pictures).

I also rarely knowingly do girls that aren’t “independent” (i.e., they don’t work for an escort service) or who have a driver, since, at a minimum, sessions with girls whose time is being monitored – or who are merely keeping the driver’s interest in mind - tend to be rushed, and also since a driver is always ready with the get-away car for the relatively few girls that attempt cash-and-dash. The one exception I will make is if its a female driver, in which case I will invite the driver-girl to wait inside, a situation which, the one time I did it, resulted in an offer of free sex from the second girl – something my friend and long-time payah, George Martin (real alias), has experienced, as well.

But I decided to break another one of those rules today, that’s how horny I am. I did something I haven’t done in years – I called an escort service.

I try to avoid escort services for a variety of reasons, in addition to those already mentioned above, one of the bigger reasons being that escort services keep black books that occasionally end up ruining a guys’ careers when the service reveals their names or the black book is seized by law enforcement (“LE” in payah parlance). Currently, this isn’t much of a concern for me, since I use my alias (“Dirk”), since I use a pre-paid phone not in any way connected to my name (I paid cash for it and refill the time by making cash purchases of a card with extra-time, and usually don’t even refill it for several days so that the store’s security video is destroyed before the card purchase can be connected to the phone), and since I live in a large apartment complex and only give out the street number of the main office.

Services also tend to cost more, since the service takes a cut, and I also like to talk to the girl in advance to get a feel for her personality. For instance, if a girl calls me “sweetie,” that’s a deal-breaker, though I’ve made one exception – one I’m glad I made – when the girl swallowed her words in realization of her faux pas in displaying disrespect. Guys are supposed to dominate – not be someone’s “sweetie” – at least until after we’ve either fucked the chick for free, or she’s taken a load in her face or mouth.

I broke down and called a service today, not just out of horniness – since there were other options – but because of two things. First, the escort service I called, Rocco’s Escorts, doesn’t drive the girls, so there isn’t quite that time pressure of a guy sitting outside in the parking lot getting antsy and calling and texting the girl. Secondly, Rocco’s has the girls call you right after you call the service, so you get to the talk to the girl and screen her for “sweetie” and similar tendencies. Also, Rocco doesn’t take down your address – the girl does – so presumably the service doesn’t have as large and reliable a black book, if it has one at all.

Finally, I called Rocco’s, rather than another service, since Tori (one of her former real aliases), who I met apart from Rocco’s through Craigslist a couple of years ago, occasionally works for him, and had become friendly with another Rocco’s girl, Amber Gold, who not only has won the 2009 award for Tampa Bay’s “Escort of the Year” at the Night Moves Annual Adult Awards, but, who, according to Tori, loves her job so much that she doesn’t wear any makeup (“why wear makeup? its just going to get messed-up, anyway” is what she has told Tori). Gotta like a girl who gets down-and-dirty, especially with balls as full as mine are right now.

When I called, I was greeted by Rocco himself, who is also a local strip-club magnate, and who has a friendly and pronounced New York accent. I asked if Amber Gold would be available, and for how much, and he told me $250. Considering I’m a petite-ophile and was booked with a hot 21 YO spinner the last night for $175, and then booked with another spinner this morning for $200, when Rocco asked if he should send Amber Gold, who is not petite, over, I started to balk and said I would think about it. Rocco began lecturing me that for a matter of $50, its an insult to the girl to negotiate – that the girl would know, and that would be reflected in the session. He said “if you took a girl out to a nice restaurant, you wouldn’t refuse to buy dessert, would you?” He kept continuing, as I was trying to explain to him that I wasn’t negotiating but merely weighing my various options.

Of course, as I told him, he was preaching to the converted – something I have long taught other payahs is to realize that escorts are as human as anyone else, not to negotiate, and prepare yourself for the date (including by shaving your balls) just as you would for a date with any other hot chick you’ve never met before that’s coming over to your crib to fuck you – or at least how you would prepare yourself for such a date if it were to ever actually happen. He said 90% of guys don’t know this. Hence – since compared to me Rodney Dangerfield was feared – I am again relying upon a highly-credentialed expert rather than my own words in the form of this post.

A few minutes later I got a call - it was Amber Gold. There wasn’t a trace of “sweetie” in her voice – she sounded a lot like one of my ex-es, was incredibly friendly and talkative, asked when I wanted to see her, told me she had lunch plans with a friend she couldn’t break but could see my soon afterward, and when I told her I was grabbing a quick lunch myself, asked what I was going to eat and then told me she was going for Italian and more or less where, which isn’t far from my place.

Within two hours, she’ll be coated with my semen. In the meantime, I just hope she doesn’t order anything with a lot of garlic.

Amber Gold

While I’m busy having sex with Amber Gold, check out Rocco’s redesigned website. He asked for my input, and I told him one thing that he should add is the height of the girls, weight not really being necessary since the pictures give a good-enough idea of the girls’ bodies. He agreed, and told me it was a good idea. If you have any other ideas for how Rocco might make his website as good as it can be, at the risk of having him hook you up for sex with a hot chick, give him a call at 800.230.9099.

If any of you want to know the details of my session, shoot me an email at DirkJohanson@guyinism.com.

And, remember, and spread the word, that gay guyinist Dan Savage won’t give you advice like this. The guys of the world need DirkJohanson.

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