Tyson, R.I.P.

December 28, 2009

Today was the annual obituary episode of CBS Sunday Morning, which I annually wake up early (for me) to watch, misty-eyed, as Charles Osgood memorializes the luminaries that died over the past year. This year, as you know, we lost the likes of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Senator Edward M. Kennedy.

I have an obituary of my own to report today, a guy who, like Brittany Murphy, was not mentioned this morning by Charles Osgood: Tyson Richardson.

Many of you probably remember Tyson (real name), the on-again, off-again fiance of Tori (real alias), the hooker featured in my posting about her 21st birthday party (Meet the Hooker’s Parent, June 30, 2009). In the events described in that posting, Tori was talking to Tyson over the phone, and I could hear him becoming jealous of me. I knew he could not drive to us, and during that call, when I first found out his name was “Tyson,” I feared the worst: that he was that other “Tyson” with driving issues, specifically, the face-tattooed Iron Mike Tyson of Robin Givens-beating fame, and that I was about to get the shit kicked out of me, or at least have a piece of my ear bitten off for using his girlfriend as one of my hos.

It turns out that I was wrong – “Tyson” was not Mike Tyson, but rather Tyson Richardson, 21, who was shot dead last Sunday in an exchange of gunfire with the police following his latest attempt at home invasion robbery. According to the Fort Myers News Press, Tyson died in a getaway car after he and three accomplices exchanged gunfire with police in the parking lot of a Steak ‘n Shake in Cape Coral, Florida.

Tyson

It was the latest in a string of legal problems in Tyson’ short life. His legal troubles were not limited to his penchant for home invasion – in fact, in January of this year, he was charged with statutory rape for banking a chick older than 12 but younger than 14.

Tyson leaves a mixed legacy. Attorney Scott Moorey remembered Tyson as, “a bright, smart individual [who] just went down the wrong road,” and noted that he was a straight A student at Edison Community College.

On the other hand, the rumor I am hereby starting has it that Moorey’schildhood nickname was “mor-on,”, Tyson’s earlier arrest for home invasion robbery was facilitated when one of the victim’s recognized him from his MySpace page, and a chimpanzee could probably get straight A’s at Edison Community College. Finally, it should be considered that Tyson’s death was for naught – he and his three accomplices apparently left the home, a Habitat for Humanity project valued at only $45,600 according to the Lee Co. Florida Property Appraiser, with nothing – not a dollar, not a single bud, and not even a key bump of the money, weed, and coke they demanded, respectively. I should also note that Tyson’s finances were in such poor condition that he was renting a room from Tori’s mother in a former assisted living facility in Tampa that still had paper signs on the wall warning the residents not to defecate on the sofa (OK, I didn’t actually see that sign, but there were others like it), and he was reduced to borrowing Tori’s cell phone in order to have telephone service.

Tyson died moments after emerging from the driver’s seat of this Kia

While he may have been the Virgin Starkwell of home invasion robberies, there was, of course, more to the guy. I got to know Tyson personally, and I”ll particularly remember him a more-than-reliable ecstasy dealer. Not only was I once able to trust him with $200 for the hour or so it took him to return with the drugs, but he turned me on to the very excellent monkeys that are going around Florida, and personally took a liking to me, apparently never realizing that his fiance was my prostitute, that I took her to a swingers club, or, as I earlier reported, that she had her first threesome with me. (Is a vibrating ring a form of life?, September 10, 2009).

Tori’s memories of Tyson are more complicated. Did he beat her, did he not? This question remains unanswered, inappropriate to ask at this time even of grieving. Whatever the answer is, Tori stuck with him through thick and thin, unless you count having sex with dozens of guys for money, a threesome with me and a dominatrix, and subsequently sharing a bed and regularly having sex with the dominatrix’ underage son, all the while putting the dominatrix in the awkward spot of fending her off while she was trying to pull off a threesome with a mother-son team.

2171EOOR remembers Tyson in less complicated terms, posting “Tyson deserved that bullet. He worked hard for it.” woldB chimed in: “I thank the Cape police for gunning this little chit down, one less crook we have to worry about.” NYPsycho wrote: “Another scumbag piece of crap criminal shot dead by police – this is fabulous news!!!

On the other hand, the News Press was bombarded by comments from loving family members.

For me, Tyson’s death reinforces a valuable lesson: if you are going to fuck a dangerous guy’s girlfriend, make sure he is so dangerous that other people, are, well, pardon the pun, gunning for him. I initially stumbled upon this lesson nearly two decades ago, when I was in school. There was a cum-craver I knew, Jennifer, who used to come over to my place – at her own expense, sometimes taking a taxi – just so I could I jack-off on her – we wouldn’t even have sex. She would cover over, strip, I’d oil her down, play with her tits, and coat them with semen. She usually didn’t have a boyfriend, but the one she did have during that three-year period was in prison for murdering a college student in a fraternity house. One night, I went over to Jennifer’s apartment, and while she was on the floor vibrating with herself with the prisoner on the phone, unbeknownst to him, I stood above her and plastered her with a giant load. When I left her apartment, she was still in the middle of the floor in the throes of self- and phone sex, thoroughly basted with lube and cum, and I was safe in the knowledge that I couldn’t get caught because the law was intent of keeping the guy from me, and everyone else.

Similarly, Tyson’s passing means that he will never catch up to me for banging Tori, with whom he was cohabitating at the time of his death. Meanwhile, I’ve been able to find monkeys from another source, at the same price.

The funeral and viewing for Tyson will be this week, in Ohio. Tori will be in attendance, so if any of you in the Ohio area are looking for sex, shoot me an email at DirkJohanson@guyinism.com and I’ll try to hook you up.

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