When I Most Expect it

August 7, 2010

People are always saying you’re going to meet someone when you least expect it. Maybe that works for girls. For guys, its a canard. Most of us have to work at it hard to meet a girl.

When I least expect it? Please. I used to least expect I meet a chick while taking a dump at a filthy crowded stadium bathroom. After all, where could I be less likely to meet the woman of my dreams. Meanwhile, I’m closing in on 48, and while a friend of mine’s girlfriend once opened the door on me while I was shitting in college and insisted on watching, that was a co-ed bathroom in a dormitory – I kind of expected I’d get walked in on sooner or later. In a filthy stadium bathroom, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a chick, let alone gotten to know a hot one while on the bowl.

Maybe the problem is that, due to the saying “when I least expect,” I soon came to expect that I would meet a chick while on the bowl of a crowded stadium bathroom. The saying is a vicious cycle that way, making it all the more of a canard. After all, how can you meet someone when you least expect it when you start expecting it to happen in the most unlikely of circumstances?

I guess now that I have come to expect that I would meet the girl of my dreams while on a stadium bowl, “when I least expect it” has now become the second before I give up on the possibility of actually getting laid and start jacking off.

The reality is, I meet girls when I most expect it. I call the hookers, and most of the time they come over fairly promptly. Worked like a charm again last night.

Fuck this “when you least expect it” shit.

Then again, last night, I really only called the girl to see if she wanted to go to FetishCon with me, since I was sitting at home doing nothing on a Friday night and since she does fetish sessions (although not my bag), lives right down the street, and doesn’t have a car. She suggested instead that, since she really needed money, she’d see me for only $50, which soon turned into $50 and a pack of Newports, but still. So I guess I didn’t really expect it, at least not the getting laid part.