Is a vibrating ring a form of life?

September 10, 2009

Below is an email I sent Durex based upon actual events last night:

“I bought a malfunctioning vibrating ring from you.  While the girls were here, it did not work.  Then, after they were gone, in the middle of the night, it was sitting on my dresser and spontaneously started working, awaking me from deep slumber.  Can I get some sort of coupon from you, because I feel like a rube walking into a store and asking for a refund for a product that has already been on my lubricated penis, and you can imagine that I do not trust this particular ring, which seems to have a mind of its own, for another use?”

The ring literally randomly crawled across my dresser on its own, like a vintage Electric Football player, but using its own power rather than that of the surface.

Anyway, the scene went down smoothly -  I had a backup on hand.

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DirkJohanson fights off the paparazzi!

August 31, 2009

The Monologues has nearly 13,000 hits this month, which is actually down from July, and DirkJohanson is fending off the paparazzi.  In fact, on Friday night, at The Venue, St. Petersburg, Florida’s, popular nightspot, DirkJohanson was approached by paparazzi not just once – but twice – and both times refused to allow a photograph of himself and his date. 

OK – there really isn’t a connection between the number of hits I’ve been getting and the paparazzi.  This is the deal – I’ve been seeing a married chick, and clubs these days are full of photogs looking to put pics of clubgoers on websites.  In fact, with so many photogs in clubs, not to mention chicks with digital cameras ready to fill MySpace pages, in order to be fending off the paparazzi, pretty much all you have to do is either be married and out cheating, or be with someone who is married and out cheating.  And with the growing popularity of such cheatings websites as AshleyMadison.com, cheating is easier than ever.  Just about anyone can feel what its like to be Branjelina and hide from the cameras!

Do I feel sorry for proverbially beating up the photographer?  No – I was perfectly polite, and just seconds after both incidents he was spotted taking pictures of other anonymous people whose identities he did not know (the ballers didn’t arrive until later).

But if I see that motherfucker lurking around the parking lot of my apartment complex …

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DirkJohanson on Semen Facials

August 25, 2009

The Sexist is a prominent female-authored blog.  http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/08/24/semen-facials-are-like-weddings/  In her current post, author Amanda Hess, reflecting on the usual ruminations of feminists, compares facials to weddings, stating,

“facials are like weddings. We all know that the institution of marriage is one of the patriarchy’s all-time greatest hits, in which women are sold into sexual slavery from father to husband in exchange for livestock. And yet, who derives the greatest joy from weddings? Women! It’s the craziest thing. But even though we all know that weddings were clearly institutionalized to facilitate the willing subjugation of women, feminists figure out a way to do it anyway. Why? Probably because even though we all know it’s sexist as fuck, weddings—like facial ejaculation—still make some people happy (emphasis original).”

Dirk’s comments on the article, which were posted at the above link, are also reproduced below:

I love, love, love giving facials, but only, only, only when the girl I am with wants one.  I love giving facials because they make me feel hot, and I love licking my own cum off the girl’s face and kissing her with cum on both of our lips – so when I give a facial, the girl isn’t the only one ending up with the cum on her face – so much for domination. 

And I love it when a girl squirts on my face, too, because it makes her feel hot and it makes me feel soaked in sex, just like when a girl soaks my balls with her cum, which I like, too, and also like licking hot chicks’ asses – not just rimming but actually fucking their asses with my tongue – so who’s dominating who?

I only purposely give a facial when the girl has clearly indicated that she wants one, and have known several girls that insist that I cum on their faces even when I am ready to blow my load somewhere else.  The first time I came on a girl’s face, she had been motioning and verbally hinting for me to do it for months, and soon thereafter, she would position herself when I was about to cum to make sure she got every drop even when I was clearly content to cum elsewhere.  Another girl I dated like to swap my cum, including with other girls whose faces I was cumming on in threesomes or foursomes, but one of those other girls, during a foursome at a swinger’s club, would not position herself next to my girlfriend and insisted she get all of my cum, a request which I obliged.  While I was about to unload, my girlfriend was fingering this girl’s ass, something, in combination with the facial I administered, which caused the girl to squirting all over me while the scene was going down, and I had another girlfriend who, like clockwork, simultaneously released whenever I would cum on her. Since I like cumming on a girl’s face because it makes me feel hot, I do not want to cum on a girl’s face unless she wants me to. 

I have better orgasms when I cum on a girl’s face since I know I am free to blow my load to my heart’s content, whereas when a girl asks me to cum on her tits but not on her face, I am always worried that I might not have the best aim and will end up cumming on her face, too.  Since this often happens, I hold back when I cum on tits and don’t cum with as much force and often feel like, and still actually have, another load in me waiting to imminently come out.  Simply put, when I cum on tits, I don’t feel nearly as finished as when I cum on a face or when a girl wants me to cum in her mouth.  And I feel genuinely badly when I cum in a girl’s eye because it stings so badly.

That having been said, that brings up weddings.  As much as I like cumming on girls’ faces, I would give it up forever – and never once cum on another girl’s face – in exchange for a ban on opposite sex marriage.  An opposite sex marriage ban is one of the precepts of Guyinism, of which I am Founder.

So much for the patriarchy theory.  Sorry, but with the up-front exchange of livestock out of the equation, opposite sex marriage just doesn’t work anymore.  It gets in the way of hot sex.  Without the specter of marriage and all its complications, even the semen-facial loving bisexual girls I know seem to get down and dirty more casually with fellow girls.

Silly girls – in the 21st century, except for guys who are lucky to have anyone at all, weddings are for girls.  And so are a damn lot of semen facials.  Stop thinking so much, and lets just have fun.

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Gay Guy Guyinism

August 24, 2009

As noted in my debut post, Welcome to The Balls Monologues, Dan Savage is probably the most prominent guy sex columnist in America.

Savage and I don’t agree about everything.  For instance, he finds sticking his cock where another guy shits from to be sexually exciting, and whereas Savage presumably likes having other guys’ ball milk in his mouth and on his face, the only guy cum I allow on my lips is my own, and then only when it is via the lips of a hot chick or, even better, two hot chicks (for those of you who think having your own cum on your lips is gay, unless you’ve refused the invitation from two hot chicks who are licking your cum of their respective lips to join in, you have no standing to criticize). 

Even on some points with which we agree, we do so for different reasons.  As an example, Savage is one of America’s most outspoken proponents of same sex marriage, propounding that the position as one of equal rights that results in discrimination against gays.  I, on the other hand, support same-sex marriage as a way to take the gloss out of girl-on-girl by leveling the playing field in favor of straight guys.  When fellow girls have to run the gauntlet of the standard costly and degrading financial and relationship-intention investigation that guys are subjected to in order to get sex from women, as opposed to the fairly-standard going-up-to-a-strange girl in a club or turning to your best friend and saying, “you’re hot – I want to fuck you, eat your pussy, and lick your ass” that passes for courtship in the girl-on-girl scene, I’m quite confident that suddenly a lot of those bi chicks will be going long guys and ditching each other.

That having been said, Savage and I agree wholeheartedly about what might seem like a remarkable percentage of issues relative to how little I agree with so many other sex and relationships columnists.  Of course, it really isn’t that remarkable.  That’s because, regardless of the fact that he doesn’t mind having some other guy’s santorum on his penis, he’s still a guy and thus, unlike nearly all of the women columnists, has the ability to reason, and honest people who can reason, more likely than not, end up agreeing a lot of the time.

So, it was no surprise that, while I was conceptualizing a column about the Pittsburgh gym murders and how they would probably have been prevented if sexually-frustrated murderer George Sodini had the right to choose willing sex partners, Savage beat me to the presses.  And for this, I am glad.  As a straight guy, I didn’t think I had the credibility to pull it off – I would have been pilloried.

Predictably, the New York Times, which has become to straight guys what Mein Kampf was to European Jews in the 1930s, didn’t see it Savage’s way.  Times columnist Bob Herbert, in attempt to out-Benedict Arnold fellow Times columnist Nicholas Kristof, blamed that and other recent maniacal killings on society-wide misogynism.  Herbert’s repugnant piece is at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/08/opinion/08herbert.html?scp=2&sq=herbert%20sodini&st=cse  Predictably, there has apparently been nothing from Herbert, or Kristof, about the case involving the Houston mother who cut off her own infant son’s cock and balls http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hXdIyl4LKzaUOgWiXKxS7VqSri9wD9A52NH04 .

You can read Savage’s brilliant column here:  http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=806268

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DirkJohanson comments to the Wall Street Journal online

July 31, 2009

See http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124879877347487253.html#articleTabs=comments#comment338521

Commenting on an article questioning the marriage-making statistics of various dating websites, I stated:

Just wondering if there are any stats which a lot of guys consider more important, to wit: which sites are most likely to lead to sex. I think it would make great fodder for my blog, http://guyinism.com

Personally, I have found Craigslist erotic services to be the most fruitful as far as numbers, followed probably by www.sugardaddyforme.com , but I met my most special girlfriend ever on www.sexyescortads.com and am trying to get her back to marry me. I wonder if there any marriage stats for that site!

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Stormy Daniels and Me

July 31, 2009
Stormy Daniels and Me

The international scourge of high-profile incidents of violence by women, which has included the brutal slayings of Arturo Gatti and Steve McNair, continues.

Yesterday, at about 7 PM in Tampa, Florida,  porn star and United States senatorial hopeful Stormy Daniels was arrested for hitting her husband in the head several times for not paying a bill: http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/article1023066.ece#

At almost that exact moment in time, elsewhere in that exact city of Tampa, the dominatrix I’ve been dating bawled the shit out of me, but it wasn’t for not paying bills at all.  Just the opposite - it had to do with my spending my mostly hard-earned money paying her bills.  A day after she warned me that she was starting to PMS, she yelled at me for having the audacity of calling her from the hallway of her apartment building instead of calling her from my car in the parking lot 15 feet away, since she says nothing gave me the right to come so close to her apartment even though I’ve been helping her with bills. 

Terrifying as it was to get yelled at by the heavily-tattooed dominatrix – yelling that started in her building and continued after she ordered me to follow her to a shopping center two miles away – the dominatrix, , did not use force against me – no whips, not even a chain.  For that stuff, I would have to pay $500 an hour and would be expected to tip. She drove off, called a minute later, and ordered me never to contact her again.

I think dominatrixes are now the safest women in the world to date, since they don’t want to give away their professional services by beating on guys for free.  Then again, this one was once arrested in a Penthouse Club for domestic violence against her ex-husband.

Despite her admonition never to contact her again, we’ve texted each other about a dozen times each or so today.  I think she’s thinking about driving me to the airport tomorrow.

With an ass like this, I am powerless to protest her:

 

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Heterosexual Marriage on the Ropes

July 25, 2009
Heterosexual Marriage on the Ropes

In perhaps the most stunning blow ever to the continued viability of heterosexual marriage, the city of Fort Myers Beach, Florida, has fired its City Manager due to his becoming bethrothed to porn star Anabela Mota, n/k/a Jazella Moore Janke:  see http://www.fox8.com/wjw-news-town-manager-porn-star,0,3992129.story?track=rss    The City Manager, Scott Janke, who appears to be pretty much just a regular guy with a civil service job for a very small city (population 6,474), had met Moore online.

Here’s the happy couple: 

Here’s Moore in action, including with some guy’s semen on her face:   http://gallys.nastydollars.com/mh/760/?id=freeones

With a foray into porn having become a virtually de riguer desired employment rite of passage for penisworthy American chicks – the 21st century equivalent to what waiting tables in the Catkills was for Jewish guys from New York in the 1950s – this case begs the serious question as to whether regular American guys will be able to find fuckable wives.  Heck, even fat chicks and grandmas are regularly featured in porn now.

Will fuckable women even further gravitate toward being exclusively the province of the independently wealthy and thugs with no job to lose?  Is this just one more step toward what I what I believe is the inexorable march toward a return to polygamy, where only the alpha males mate?  And doesn’t this incident illustrate the vital importance of a guy’s right to choose, so guys can have unmonitored sex with hot chicks without risking their livelihood?
 

And what does this mean for me?  I’m also a public servant.  Janke just married a porn star  – I am actual porn talent, and even got paid to do porn once ($250).  Janke enter into a legal relationship with the woman – I do hookers like they’re going out of style.  And I admit to regular use of a variety of illegal drugs.  Can I get fired for getting blown by a dominatrix the other night, even though I met her on a non-working site and she didn’t charge me for it?  I’m not even into S&M.

Stay tuned.  Hopefully I’ll get shit-canned, too.

And in the meantime, Scott, Anabela, if you’re reading this:  hopefully I’ll see you at Swingfest 2009.

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Swingfest 2009 – October 22-25, 2009

July 25, 2009
Swingfest 2009  – October 22-25, 2009

I have been to about a dozen swingers clubs and a fair number of swingers parties, and I’ve been to at least two swingers conventions and at least one swingers hotel takeover – but I have never been to Swingfest

 

I want to go.  Badly.  And I’m sure I will if I’m still seeing the dominatrix I met on www.sugardaddyforme.com and had a date with, and got blown by (free) on Monday, herself a veteran of the South Florida swing scene.

I must admit, though, years ago, at first thought, it seemed unnecessary to me to attend a large swingers convention.  After all, the best night I ever had in a swingers club was on a sparsely-attended Christmas Night, 1992, at Deenie’s Hideway in Pompano Beach.  There were maybe 15 couples in the whole club that night, but the four best-looking couples, one of which I was part of, were easily able to find each other and get down and dirty – and do so much earlier in the night than on a normal Saturday night, when there are usually so many hot people to choose from that decision-making and foursomelying or sixsomelying up is usually protracted.  As for a convention, so I thought, why get on a plane, or pay for a hotel room and seminars, no less?

The first convention I ever attended was a somewhat unfortunate experience.  I was about 35, and my date was a 63 YO resident of a trailer in a nudist colony - I attracted a lot of attention, she did not, and she quite badly wanted it – from me.  I managed not to play with her – someone else actually did – and I don’t remember if I played at all that night, or just watched dozens of other people having hot sex.  If I’m not mistaken, the closest I got to sex was holding the shoulder of a gorgeous 40ish babe while she shared a paunchy 60ish guy’s cock with another, even hotter, 30ish chick.  It was an experience I don’t care to re-live.  I do not prefer to be a voyeur – guyinists participate – and get more than shoulder.

My next convention was a Lifestyles Convention in Reno, which at the time was the big national convention for swingers.  I went single, the major part of a stopover visiting a swinger friend of mine (Bruce – real name – he doesn’t care) who lived in Reno, on the way to eventually meeting my parents in Seattle to take a decidedly asexual bus tour.  Despite going single, I played quite heartily, and learned that swingers convention sex was a far cry from swingers club sex.  While swingers club sex often involves extended social foreplay and Michael Bolton-background-music-impaired sex, swingers convention sex is more of the hip-hop variety – definitively grab-and-go-at-it.  The first night, a cute, skinny little 20-something Asian grabbed me just as the party was filling, apologetically exclaimed that she only had sex with four guys the night before, and stated she had just been warming up and was really ready to have fun that night, which we did.  Later that evening, Bruce and I served as human moorings, while two girls dildoed each other into ecstasy while the whole room looked on at close distance, and the next night, I actually got thrown out of the party while  – yes while - I was receiving a blow job (unbeknownst to me, the party was couples-only, and the guy footing the bill for the room wasn’t happy that he wasn’t getting any action, even with his hot wife that wanted to do me, while I was). 

As for the seminars, I attend a talk by Ron Jeremy on Sex and the Law.  For the $15 charge, I was able to write off the entire Reno portion of the trip.

Last year, Swingfest became the all-time granddaddy of swingers conventions, unless there was a bigger one back in Caesar’s Palace - not the one in Vegas, but the one in Ancient Rome.  Swingfest 2008 was attended by over 5500 couples – a total of 11,063 people, the odd-number presumably reflecting singles. (FYI a limited number of single guys will be allowed this year – but I hate swinging single, so think twice about it).  This year, the pace of registrations is even faster.

Anyway, if you’re a swinger, you already know you should go.  If you’re not, its even more imperative that you go.  You only live once, fool.  Get your wife or girlfriend to go, or get a new wife or girlfriend – 5500 guys pulled it off last year – you can, too.   Plus, if you’re going to turn your girl onto swinging, do you want to do it on an off-night, or at a massive scene where she’ll be able to say to herself, ”what the heck – everybody’s doing it”)?

 

The link to swingfest is http://www.swingfestevents.com/

And if you can’t go, find a couple of girls on Craigs or Backpage and at least have your own little swingfest that weekend.   I mean, do you really want spend that weekend doing dinner and a movie while there’s over 11,000 people at a giant orgy?

In fact, I’m getting so horny writing this, I think I’m going to make a call and set up a little fest of my own with hottest-green-eyed-italian-200-special-tampa-escorts-backpage_com.mht

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Violence Threatens the Guyinism Spring

July 14, 2009

Throughout my entire conscious lifetime, the real opinions of guys have been repressed due to fears of sexual recrimination.  Us guys have been afraid to show our true selves out of fear that our wives or girlfriends would cut us off, divorce us, or break up with us, that couples and relatives wouldn’t introduce us to single girls they know, or that our general reputation would suffer – all on account of being true to ourselves – costing us precious sex.

The internet changed a lot of that, of course.  For the first time, regular guys have been able to anonymously blog and anonymously comment to mainstream news sites.  Sure, our IP address could be captured or we could be otherwise exposed if we weren’t extra careful, but so long as we weren’t incarcerated or broke, there was always the girls on Craigslist erotic services (now adult services), who would still take our money.  In other words, guys had become empowered to speak freely about sex, relationships, women, and dating, and still get laid by hot chicks. 

The severe uptick in dating and domestic violence by women is putting all of that in jeopardy now.  That re-chill has now hit The Balls Monologues.

In response to the brutal slaying of IBA Welterweight Champion Arturo Gatti by his stripper wife and other reported acts of violence against some very tough guys lately, I have now privatized the second of two posts about a girl I dated earlier this year.  That girl, who I will only refer to as OZ (real initials), claims to have done over 5 years in a juvenile facility for attempted murder of her own father, and to earn the bulk of her income off participating in robberies, including one at gunpoint during which shots were fired.  She’s quite tech savvy – I am worried that she is getting ideas, and that this time she will kill.  That’s not how I want to get famous – I want to cash in on fame and get the avalanche of sex first – I want to live to see the Guyinism Summer.

The murders of Gatti and Steve McNair show that even the toughest guys in the world are vulnerable.  Its not just the high-profile killings of a professional boxing champion and an NFL star that have the attention of guyinists everywhere – its the weaponry used in the attacks.  McNair and Gatti were murdered in their sleep, but some of the violence has even involved mental cruelty.  In that vein, Kimberly Lynn Calvert, 45, of Treasure Island, Florida, was arrested last week for attacking her boyfriend with his competition, a pink sex toy:  http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/article1017052.ece 

Melissa Lashay Phillips, 28, of Tampa woman, was also arrested last week - for slicing a guy with a box cutter in an attempt to scalp him.  The petite Phillips, at only 4’11″, left a 10 inch slice in the guy’s back and a 3 inch slice in the guy’s leg:   http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/article1017290.ece   The Phillips attack shows that these violent women don’t just have names that sound like terrorists, like McNair’s killer, Sahel Kazemi – they have actually adopted terrorist weaponry as their own. 

Its now become conceivable to imagine a cell of broads, slighted by being left off the guest-list for the post-game orgy, hijacking the Yankee team plane and flying it into a building in order to seek revenge against Derek Jeter. 

And its become very conceivable for me to see OZ calling in a favor by calling in the guys from Miami.

Guyinism must remain slightly in the shadows, for now – at least until I can afford round-the-clock bodyguards – including the bedroom – so I don’t end up murdered in my sleep, like Gatti and McNair.

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Latina: “I hate poor people”

July 13, 2009

That is an actual quote from the Latina I slept with last night, exclaimed over dinner at the posh Malio’s Steak House in Tampa.

In her defense, I’m not sure she’s still carrying around that hostility after being exposed for the first time to the vibrating ring.

More on the Sotomayor nomination in an upcoming post, in the unlikely event I can get around to it.

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