Roissy’s been bombarding my email inbox with some of his old posts recently, presumably his classics, which most of them are. One I recently received was called Perverted Porn, in which he analyzed (no pun intended) various exotic porn genres, including, but not limited to, drinking cum out of a glass (Grossout rating 8, Sexual perversion rating 9), Two guys one girl (GR varying from 2-10, SP 4), Cum swapping (5-8, 6), Bukkake (7, 7), Frat house voyeurism (4, 5), and Asslicking (Grossout rating 10, Sexual perversion rating 8 .
Wrote the Game master about Asslicking porn, “Falls under the category of ‘Can never get clean enough.’”
Proclaiming, “you’ll find no bigger aficionado of anal than me,” the genius of nearly-all-things-gender-other-than -where-direct-payment-for-sex-is-involved added,
“there’s a world of difference between plowing her with my tool and getting her dingleberries caught in my teeth. Girls don’t shit wafer thin mints, so how is licking her anus supposed to be fun? I pray I never shake hands with a guy who gets off on asslicking porn. And porn where the girl licks the guy’s carpeted asshole? Sweet fancy moses, why don’t you just reach in the bowl and eat his log, scatgirl?”
Despite the fact that no one had commented on that particular post in more than a year, I felt compelled – indeed inspired – to comment, and here we begin my Ode to Analingus:
I don’t like watching asslicking too much, but truth be told, I love being the one doing the licking.
I’ve had my tongue up a lot of hot chicks’ asses – and I mean UP their asses. I don’t just rim their asses, I fuck their asses with my tongue – and I have to agree with Roissy that hot chicks don’t shit wafer thin mints, but only because there’s scant evidence they shit at all. And I should know. We’re talking dozens of asses.
Hot chicks are like my Mercedes with a $20,000 engine. I keep putting fuel in my car, but it doesn’t shit. Same with the true hot chicks, the real thoroughbreds. I’ve walked in on hot chicks after I thought they took shits, and all I could small was oil and vinegar.
I dated a hot coke whore who claimed coke made her shit almost immediately, but there was never a whiff of evidence in terms of bathroom smell or ass smell to back that up; ditto for ass taste … nothing! Her claim was the ultimate shit-test: she was probably just trying to ascertain whether I shit, or de-objectify herself by claiming that she herself took shits.
I started taking Metamucil a few years ago, and now half the time don’t really need toilet paper and my ass doesn’t even smell. When I do need toilet paper – and I always give it at least one wipe to be sure – I almost always use baby wipes. I figure that whatever shitting hot chicks really do – if they really do shit at all – they are probably using this technology, and more.
Of all the asses I’ve ever approached for licking, only one ever smelled. I had a feeling going in it was gonna be a mistake, but I hadn’t had it in a while and started going in anyway until I caught the whiff and backed off. None has ever tasted. No brown on my tongue, either, and certainly no dingleberries. It probably helps that most of asses I’ve licked were of hired help – they were prepared. And since they were hired help, I didn’t have to worry that if it stank or tasted funny, I would be expected to do it again.
You don’t lick the ass of a drunk of a girl you’re going to marry and have to deal with the fact that she gets insulted 30 years down the road when you won’t lick her ass any more. In fact, you don’t like the ass of your wife, at all. It might stink the first time, or the third time, and marital discord will arise when you’ll never want to do it again. And, it might create some weirdness if she thinks you want her to do it to you, even if you don’t. Only if a wife is fully-prepared for anal intercourse should you even consider it, because if she doesn’t view her ass as a sex organ and you’ve never licked it before, she won’t be expecting it and so may have pooted or shitted shortly before you make your move.
You don’t lick the ass of a lawyer-type you meet at a DC happy hour in a bar with a wet floor after she’s been queefing at her desk all day long in sweaty nylon panty hose.
Maybe I just have to be really turned-on to do it, my sexual fever deadening my sense of smell. While its imperative that a girl be ready for it, I don’t like licking a girl’s ass when she wants it or expects it – maybe “when you least expect it” is womanese for finding your soulmate when the schmoe you let pick you up when you’re drunk suddenly and unexpectedly tongues your colon – but I’ve been running into that more and more, yet another phenomenom that can probably be blamed on Sex and the City. Maybe because it feels too beta to have a girl bend over, cheeks spread wide, and indicate what she wants done, but I find that suddenly what would otherwise be a lickable ass suddenly looks like pretty much nothing more than a smelly hole that shit comes out of.
The one exception was one night with Summer (real alias, real name not being divulged because I am trying to get back in her good graces after posting it on this site), who came over one night in what appeared to be a meth-induced sexual frenzy, promptly sat her ass right down on my face, and began licking, fingering, and tongue-fucking my ass like there was no tomorrow. Of course, I didn’t expect it.
I’ll never forget the first ass I licked. She was a gorgeous, petite, short-haired Latina, at the windowless peeps on 42nd Street in New York. After feeling her tits for the obligatory $1.50, I put another 50 cent token in the machine, the window lifted up, I handed her a couple of bucks, and started feeling her ass. She spread her cheeks, and showed me her gorgeous pink asshole that she bragged to me was still a virgin. Within a millisecond I ended that status, with my tongue, and within a matter of seconds, the wall of the booth was dripping with what seemed like pints of my semen. The window went down, and she was facing me, with sheer love in her eyes, as she began fondling my air, looking like she wanted to husband me. If had a little more game back then, I’d have made a digits move, and our children would be in graduate school by now.
To my knowledge, no one ever talked about having her ass licked by me more than Heroin Michelle. I picked her up in a club one New Year’s Eve, made out with her furiously all over the place, including the dance floor, but when she invited herself into my apartment, I couldn’t close the deal because my grandmother was asleep inside, and I figured I’d have another shot anyway. Five years of telling her how much I wanted to fuck her and lick her ass, literally pleading for the opportunity, I offered to let her stay while she was on house arrest. She took me up on my offer, but found a boyfriend just before she moved in and still wouldn’t give me any sex. Early one morning, after sneaking out to party, she returned and I insisted she join me on my bed. After a bit of cajoling over repeated objections that I was her “friend,” it was off to the races. At some point, I had her bent over doggy and started fucking her from behind, couldn’t resist the allure of her dreamed-of butthole, and I dove right into it tongue-first, driving her head to the floor as she arched frontward over the side of my mattress-on-the-floor bed. Her freshly-showered ass was fresh, yielding not a hint – as I later found out - that she had fucked four other guys the night before. At first, she thought it was a prelim to anal, and was afraid of that since though she loved anal, she thought I had too big a cock. She loved having my tongue in her ass so much she told her sister, she told her friend, and was still talking about it and hinting for a replay a couple of years later when she returned from the West Coast a fugitive to turn herself in and face up to jail.
I used to worry that chicks would think I was a pervert if I licked their ass. I’ve only received one negative reaction, and it was a hot street whore in Waikiki, in 1986. I asked her right out on the street if she would do that. She looked at me with scorn, exclaiming, “I don’t do that shit!,” and walked away. But no chick has ever reacted to me with anything but full-on appreciation and ecstasy once the act has commenced. Porn Star Jenny Hendrix actually publicly asked me, through my girlfriend and in front of several other people in the lobby of a club, if I would do it to her. And I’ve run into at least three hot chicks in the past few years who first surreptitiously started doing it to me; one even subtly advertised on backpage.com that she loves licking ass, and on our second date, I reciprocated.
I won’t lick a big ass, or one that’s too small and flat, and I won’t lick the ass of a girl that’s hairy (more likely to have ass hair that catches dingleberries), or Jewish (too high an incidence of irritable bowel syndrome). I won’t lick a black ass, and the only Asian – after many opportunities – I ever approached was the one that stank (too many weird things on their menu, and their asses are rarely shaped right). I won’t lick the ass of a woman much over 40, unless she’s near-perfect, and I won’t lick the ass of a girl that’s on the rag (too many things to clean down there at the same time). I won’t lick the ass of a girl with bad breath, or a smelly pussy, or underarm odor. Hot blondes and hot Latinas are the best – the latter seem to consider it virtually obligatory. Hot Italianettes are good, too.
I used to run ads on AdultFriendFinder offering it, but I never got any takers stating they were interested in it. Maybe I was a ahead of my time, or maybe everyone else was already doing it and not talking about it. I thought it would be a selling point; apparently, it wasn’t.
The thing with asslicking in porn is it rarely seems that the porn star doing the asslicking or the starlet receiving it is really into it, maybe because, like me, they prefer it when it isn’t planned. Then again, maybe those guys are oversexed and spoiled, or maybe they feel funny licking ass in a room full of people, with cameras recording the event for the whole world to see, preserved for eternity, or at least until the Beneath the Planet of the Apes moment that will probably be upon us all too soon. In porn, girls seem to do with more enthusiasm (and therefore better) to other girls – yet another demonstration that they are just bigger freaks.
Also, porn starlettes know when its coming. The chicks who’ve loved getting their asses licked by me the most either had never had it done to them before, or weren’t expecting it. It literally knocks their socks off.
OK. That’s a lie. Their socks are always already off. And their bras. And their panties. But you know what I mean.
And no camera can quite capture the feeling of hot chicks’ pristine, saliva-lubricated ass cheeks resting on my face cheeks, the feeling of of their assholes literally squeezing my tongue with delight, the feeling that exact moment they relax into it and just let their pussies fill with vaginal juices knowing they have passed the ultimate inspection of their digestive systems. There was major sex study a couple years ago that found that women enjoyed sex the most when they felt appreciated by a sex partner, and nothing makes them feel more appreciated by a sex partner than having a guy’s tongue in their ass.
OK, maybe a guy helping with the vacuuming makes them feel as appreciated, but nothing else sexual quite has the impact of a fully-ass-inserted tongue. Eating pussy is largely beta, oft-reducing a guy’s status a notch; eating ass triggers love. Real guys don’t eat much pussy; we eat ass. Staring at and drooling over clothed asses is just supposed to be the prelude.
Here’s a link to a rare porn scene where the guy is licking ass right (when you get to the linked page, you have to click on these numbers in small letters underneath the same numbers in big letters): 4(5)
C’mon, admit it Roissy. After watching that scene, if you weren’t so oversexed, you’d be grabbing tissues.
Anyway, that’s my ode to asslicking. Asslicking porn perversion rating 8. My perversion rating. Well, I was going to claim a perfect 10, but I’ve run into a couple of chicks who really get off swapping cum with me – with people watching – after I’ve licked their ass and before I’ve had a subsequent chance to use mouthwash or brush my teeth, so they’re even bigger perverts than me.
I guess I’ll have to settle for a perversion rating of 9.