How many times have you read an advice column with a question like this?
From the Weekly Planet:
Dear Karma Cleanser:
My boyfriend told me last night that he’d rather spend Thanksgiving with his friends than with my family. He’s met my family several times and they like him a lot. He says he thinks it will be awkward and wants to go to his friend’s potluck dinner instead. I just don’t understand. This is my third (!) boyfriend who’s skipped out on going home with me for the holidays. Is it karma or am I missing something?– Eating Me Up
And how many times have you heard a female “sexpert” or “relationship expert” give a stupid answer like this?
We hate to break it to you, hon, but your family is really irritating. Let your beau eat his potluck in peace. Just kidding, of course. Seriously, though, you should take a step back and see what these three guys have in common — other than a fear of turkey and cranberries. Maybe you’re attracted to men who just don’t do the family thing so well.
As we guys know, and as Greg Behrendt tried to get through to them, if we are really into a chick, the sooner we can meet her family, the better – and if we are not into the permanent relationship thing with a girl, never is a good time. I was so scarce around the family of one of my exes, her father thought that she was hiding him from me and that I must have been black, but for other girls, I’ve dreamt of waking up the morning I’ve met in their parents’ house, invited to breakfast, in like Flynn.
In large part because its part of human nature to believe what we want to believe, girls don’t seem to get this. I guess in large part they also have a different perspective – we have lower standards for short-term mates, they tend to have higher standards – so they kind of just don’t get the sexlationship thing, where we date with no intention of marriage.
And so, to girls, the holidays are break-up season.
On the other hand, for guys, especially regular guys, and always for me, the holidays are opportunity season. According to at least one study, 15% of guys have 85% of all heterosexual sex, but 15% of guys can’t take 85% of girls home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, can’t be at their side for every Christmas party, can’t take them all out for New Year’s, and can’t juggle them all on Valentine’s Day – and of course, the married guys can’t take any of them out – so a lot of hot chicks go back on the market.
Oh sure, there are those first few days after Thanksgiving – those are the best days of the year for the studs. Those are the days when women, using only what is considered logic to members of the female sex, figure they can do better – after all, if you get dumped by a 6’1″ guy who makes $100K, then why not try for a 6’3″ guy that makes $200K? After all, it couldn’t be that I’m not 6’1″, $100K a year material – it must just be that he didn’t appreciate me? That kind of “logic.” But other than those first few days, a bacchanal for the Jeters and A-Rods preying on the clueless and too overloaded with new phone numbers to juggle them all, especially with all the other holiday events, the holidays belong to the regular guys. Its our time of year – the only time of year – where by taking a genuine interest in a woman, we can compete against the tall rich guys and the guys who can afford lots of coke
That’s why its the most sickening time of year for girls – not only do more than 80% of them get dumped, but, even more nauseating to them, they find out what monogamy would look like, and the type of “loser” they’d have to spend til death with in a truly monogamous society. Is it no surprise that they now flock to anti-Valentine’s Day parties to escape this reality?
Tampa “b Scene” columnist Brooke Palmer, who cavorts with ballplayers and other Tampa Bay brahmin practically nightly, fessed up in a column in February of ’06 that she had her first real (or at least so she thought) Valentine’s Date at the age of 28. Talk about thinking no one’s good enough for you! By 28, one should figure out that even if they make themselves easy sex for the rich and famous, that doesn’t mean they’re hot enough to land one.
Hungarian Kathy (see Johns by Choice) was a Valentine’s Date. She was 29 and had been in the states for several years, including through an entire marriage, but had still never celebrated the holiday. I was never so proud as when I got to sport her out on Lincoln Road on South Beach, and I still have the large picture of us I paid the restaurant for somewhere – me beaming ear to ear, Kathy’s face forever memorializing all the enthusiasm of a sex slave, as she visibly envied the girls who were on the arms of the guys who owned the restaurants, not some schmoe like me who had to wait in line to get a table at one.
When I was 40, I managed to land 23 YO Clover, a glitter girl in a girl ballerina’s body, as a Valentine’s Date. We had hooked up in mid-January at a swinger’s party, only a couple of weeks after she came home one night to find out that Darrin, the ex-porn-star who she would continue to refer to as her “boyfriend” for three more years, had moved another girl in in her place. Darrin was a shrewdy, promising Clover that he would get back together with her on February 18 – just long enough to keep Clover away from guys on V-Day so he could recruit girl number three. Clover never moved back in with him – in fact, she eventually moved into my house – but Darrin remained her “boyfriend,” and she never missed a single one of his late-every-Thursday-night booty calls.
In fact, nearly all the hot chicks I’ve ever landed, almost down to the one, were between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. As opposed to the affectionate but not as hot girls I’ve dated I’ve met other times of the year, most of my holiday-originated girlfriends didn’t seemed real thrilled to be stuck dating me.
And so, here we are, just days away from Valentine’s Day. Everywhere I go, there just happens to be a broad nearby where usually there are none. Taking a play out of my book, on nearly every aisle I turned yesterday in the supermarket, suddenly moments later a broad happened to need to buy the same thing, and the scenario repeated itself in Target. High heels are so out in force, Target today looked like a parade of hookers in front of the Lincoln Tunnel at 3 AM. Women usually use their phone as an excuse to turn their backs on and not engage me, yet stealing another one out of my playback, yesterday a cute suddenly seem to be holding make-believe conversations just feet from me and was looking right at me – with actual eye contact. I was tempted to say “do I know you?”
But I didn’t.
Why should I?
To end up with a DABA Girl at a place with an outrageously priced special Valentine’s Day menu, when I can have Jess for $180, or Summer (real alias) for $150:
or Brianna (real alias) for $140?:
Truth be told, I have had a reservation at Fleming’s at 9PM for some time now – I always make reservations at high-end chains for V-Day and New Year’s, since they tend to keep their regular menu and end up being cheaper than private restaurants (two more tips – buy roses in the supermarket, and keep some Swedish Fish in the car to offer your date on the way to dinner). I’m keeping the reservation, just in case. I have two parties I can to go to that night, so its not like I’ll be sitting home alone, but I’m not chasing, anymore.
If one of those girls in the supermarket or Target wants to go out with me, let her start talking to me, not just subtly diss me when I ignore her.
I’m empowered now. I have options. I don’t need to chase and degrade myself with stupid lines. I have money and all the sex they want, and they none of the money and only some of the sex I want.
I don’t need to fork over $85 each for a meal – not including drinks - centered around Jade Pesto Steamed Lobster Tail at Roy’s just to try to get sex.
I don’t need to feel like I’m dragging someone around town, forcing her to face the sickening reality that her “equal” is just a schmoe like me.
I can choose, just like they get to do the rest of the year.
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