I knew this day would come eventually.  My baby turned 20 – she’s not a teenager any more.

No, not my daughter, silly guys – I don’t have any kids.  My baby is my go-to hooker, Jess:  http://tampa.craigslist.org/pnl/ers/992608691.html

Jess first came to me when she was 19.  When I met her in the parking lot of my condo complex, it was kind of dark, but I could tell she was undeniably cute, and at 4’11″, how could she not be?  When we got upstairs into the light, except for a tiny tat on one of her adorable feet, she looked, dressed, and spoke like she was an innocent 14.  She beamed when she told me she wants to be a first-grade teacher.  My married friends with daughters would have sent her away – even I was wondering whether I could do it.  Don’t get be wrong – I’d bang a slutty, pierced 15 year-old in a heartbeat if I thought I could get away with it (for the record, this hasn’t happened) – but Jess was like a baby sister – she even worked in a chain store in the mall. 

We talked for about 45 minutes, with neither of us making the slightest move, and then she asked if I’d like to go “lie down.”  Subtly bracing me for how loud she gets during sex, she asked me to turn up the music in my bedroom, and for the next half-hour it was off-to-the races, hanging-from-the-chandeliers sex.  A blonde, she literally inflated with sexuality the moment by cock got inside her, the way all the Asians I fucked do.  After she’d cum twice, lying on my back I asked her where I should cum, and before I could finish the sentence, she told me – yes, she instructed me – to cum in her mouth, and she reached down and sucked it all in..  I had struck gold.

That evening was followed by more special times.  One evening, I asked her to come over three or four hours and roll me with, which she had told me she loved to do, and that evening turned into an overnight of 10 at no additional charge, where I had her tiny body next to mine while she put on a glowstick light show.  It was perhaps the closest I’ll ever get to heaven on earth.  The only sex we had that night was a few minutes of my going down on her freshest pussy in the world, before which she virtually ripped off her thong in anticipation, but I didn’t care. She wasn’t denying me sex, but between her getting sick from the beans a couple of times, and my roll overtaking my sex drive, I wasn’t making much of an attempt.

Another night she sobbed on my bed for 10 minutes, confiding in me that she had lost all her friends and two boyfriends after they found out about her internet porn career, and through a series of threatening communications to her producer, I was able to reduce her visibility to the world.  I turned her on to the vibrating ring, which she loves, and to Cum Kleen, which she gets a kick out of.  She told me she like Monster energy beverages, not the Red Bull and Amp I had in the fridge, so before the next time she came over, I bought every flavor of Monster there is, and the sugar-free versions.  A couple times she’d call me before coming over and asked me I wanted her to pick up anything from the store.  She’d come over and just sit and eat Frosted Flakes, or nuke up a bowl of ramen, while I watched TV, before she’d ask if I want to “lie down.”  Even her text solicitations to me are adorably unassuming (e.g., “When can I c u again :)”).

She told me she usually only likes to give hand service, but that she likes to go all the way with me – which I already knew since there is no mistaking it.  We suck on each other’s tongues like we rely upon the other’s saliva for sustenance.

Last night a friend of mine who is pimping out a girl next week asked me to show him good escort ads he could mimic.  This morning, I thought of Jess’s ad to send him – her ad was simple, to the point, and had worked on me.  And that’s when I was blindsided by the news – there it was:  

 xo BeAuTiFuL yOung hOtTiE WaiTiNg 4 yOu xo — CaLL nOw — – w4m – 20 (Pinellas // Outcall Only)

Where it says 20, it used to say 19, which meant I was no longer regularly having sex with a teenager.

And she hadn’t even told me her birthday was coming up.

If you are reading this, happy belated birthday, baby.  See you soon, despite it all.

Click on pen to

Natalie Dylan is the chick auctioning off her virginity at the Bunny Ranch.   Unlike most of the girls at the Bunny Ranch in my personal experience of two or three visits, Natalie is cute, and the bidding is up to $3.7 million.

Eve Fairbanks doesn’t like this.  Today, in Slate, she writes “it perpetuates the idea that the motivations behind sex are fundamentally different for men and women; that is, men have some primal, rationality-busting want for it ($3.7 million?), while for women, it’s something to be bartered, rather than something to be sought or enjoyed to the same degree men enjoy it.”  http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/xxfactor/archive/2009/01/17/selling-sex-and-selling-a-kidney.aspx

Well, lets break this down.  We know women like sex – in fact, the clitoris is something like six times more sensitive than the penis.  http://www.chicagoareaescorts.com/articles/pleasing_a_woman_in_bed.htm  We know that during sex but prior to orgasm, women are generally the ones that are screaming and moaning in ecstasy.   We know they like it.  In fact, since the 80s, we’ve pretty much known they like it more than we do  – at least the new breed of uninhibited, under 35 girls pretty much all do.  The meth-head hooker I was with last night came at least six times and afterwhich spent the better part of 15 minutes virtually swallowing my balls, an act punctuated only by her pleading me to fill her mouth with my load and spread the rest over every inch of her body.   Chicks dig sex.  We get that.

The reason we act like we like it so much more than they act like it- the reason we seem to have a “primal, rationality-busting want for it” –  is that there aren’t enough doable chicks to go around.

The millions of sperm chasing an egg is just a microcosm of what’s happening all around us, albeit on a grander scale.  The cruel reality is this: 

-old guys with money can get hot chicks, young guys don’t usually want to be with old women

-women are more valued for their appearance than guys are, most of which simply comes down to not being fat – yet far more women choose to be obese, which, in case any fat chicks are reading this, isn’t just a looks thing – most of you stink, reflective of your physical rot, too.

-women of sex age are on the rag about a week a month, and largely self-limit their sexual availability during this time period

-women are naturally attracted to the alpha male.  One recent study concluded that 85% of all sex goes to 15% of guys, leaving the other 85% needing to take somewhat extreme measures to get any.

-married guys cheat more than married women do.

 -guys are not naturally monogamous, and women generally chemically to a partner, reducing their desire for others

 Nothing irrational here.  There probably needs to be about 10 women for every guy for every guy to be generally sexually satisfied. 

Finally, 3.7 mil is a lot of money to me, but to an Arab sheik or Ponzi schemer, its pocket change – I’m sure he’ll have plenty left over.  Besides, you can’t take it with you to jail, and why leave it to your third wife?  BTW, do we know its a ”he” that’s doing the bidding?  After all, Natalie has a stated preference that if any celebrity wins, she wants it to be Kim Kardashian.  Kim’s not bad, but of all the celebrities in the world?  Just goes to show, when it comes to taste in women, women, no matter how gay or bi they claim to be, don’t have any.

Of course, the Kim Kardashian preference raises and interesting question:  intact hymen notwithstanding, is Natalie really still a virgin if it turns out she’s penetrated another girl with a strap-on?  After all, if one of us penetrated Kim Kardashian, or any other girl, it would count.

 What I do find perhaps irrational is paying that kind of scratch for a virgin.  Personally, I prefer sluts, and even then, only when there aren’t any whores around.  Then again, I like to think that whoever’s paying $3.7 million for Natalie Dylan is willing to shell out $7.5 million for Carmen Luvana.  http://www.clubcarmen.com/join.php

Click on pen to

DirkJohanson is a sexpert living in Florida, who still wouldn’t mind setting down with a nice Jewish girl in her 30s, getting married, and living in New Jersey.

Just kidding!!  I’d rather die. 

Although I wouldn’t know from personal experience, its tough being a girl. Imagine if you could have lots of easy casual sex with strippers until you turn 30, but after that, you’re stuck having to service a fat chick three times a week for the rest of your life. That would be a bitter pill to swallow, but that’s exactly what its like for them.  15% of guys have 85% of all heterosexual sex.  Girls spend their lives thinking they have hot boyfriends, only to find out those guys each have five or six other girlfriends.

You, as a guy, know that chances are, the girl you pick up with her beer goggles on isn’t going end up being your wife.  While I’ve occasionally been able to pick up a hot chick drunk and stumbling at closing time, chances are, you, like me, lower your standards to get what little easy free sex you can get.

 That having been said, that’s life. They could be nice about it. It ain’t easy being a guy sometimes, but you don’t hear us rant all over the media like they do.

Until now, that is. This blog, writing it, reading it, and commenting on it, will show the women of America that we’ve listened and the average guy is fighting back in the War of the Sexes that they’ve been mounting for decades. What’s good for the goose should be good for the gander.

Now, at a minimum, you will be armed with the knowledge that someone is challenging their media attacks and cuntcentric logic.

This blog is for you, the average guy, just like me.  For you, the middle manager, or even the rich ugly guy, or awkward rich guy. If you’re Derek Jeter, you don’t need this blog – in fact, Derek, please stop reading here, because you’ll probably want to sue me if you keep reading.I realize this blog paints with a broad brush, or, perhaps more accurately a brush intended for nasty broads. My sympathies really are to all the wonderful, sweet women there really are in this world aside. I will parrot the biased certitude of the diva rant style the female sexperts and relationship columnists have made famous. Except for some minor lip service, for the remainder of this blog, regular guys will be portrayed as nothing but good, and good-looking broads under 50, well, not so much.

This is our blog, for once – the revolution starts here. If you think reading this will get you in trouble with the women in your life since your girl will consider these ideas less acceptable than porn or a threesome since the truth, after all, hurts the most, rip off the cover, deny you ever even heard of it and erase it from your web page history, but in the meantime, enjoy.If we publicly exclaim what we truly believe in mixed company, we fear being shunned, branded, labeled a misogynist, labeled a pig, losing our current relationships, losing our jobs, losing female friends, and losing out on sex. I watch this happen to just about any guy that speaks for himself and other guys on on blogs. Moreover, we know truly how few women out there are available to the average guy and worth marrying, and we know are chances of finding one of the few women who could be “the one” are slim enough to begin with. We can’t take a chance that somehow what we write will be out there and fall on her ears, whoever she is, strike her wrong, and narrow that list even further, so we’re careful and remain silent.I’ve been told that if my real identity is exposed, I’ll be shot by a woman, or lynched by an all-female mob. I don’t claim this blog should merit an award for being the be all and end of all of men’s sex and relationship advice – that, of course, will go to the writer who can empower us to be able to do a steady stream of 15-year olds without getting caught.  However, this blog will empower us. You may be asking yourself why you should listen to me. Well, a lot of the reason is that I am an overchiever, as you will learn. I’m 46, 5?9?, make little more than $65,000 per year, and yet I continue to manage to sleep with a lot of hot chicks, and bring several of them to swing club orgies where I have met even more. I got paid to be in a porn movie, and my last girlfriend of more than a few weeks is a career prostitute who is now married to a mogul.  But the most important thing is that I am a regular guy like you.Do you really want to take your dating tips from a guy whose obviously got it all, someone like hip-hop star Usher. Here’s what he’s got to say:Taking dating tips from Usher (Time magazine,11/05, as per http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/ap/20051120/113252556000.html), Women love compliments, you know what I mean? Buy her a drink,” he said. “Talk to her about whatever it is that she wants to talk about. As long as you keep her laughing, you got it”As you guys know, this may be a great strategy to assuage a woman’s concerns that a rap superstar doesn’t consider her road beef, but for the average guy, a compliment is suicide – a put-down is far more effective – ask David DeAngelo.

Click on pen to