Below is an email I sent today to BL, the hot, 42 YO Bearly Lesbian I have referred to in other posts.

The email is fairly self-explanatory, but a little background is in order.  One, the other day, she was trying to talk herself out of “hating men” again as a result of a bad phone call she had with the poor shnook whose been paying her phone bill from $1,000 miles away that she’s never even slept with.  Of course, as most of you know, hating all guys is the one of the most common reactions, if not the single-most common reaction,  women have whenever one guy does or says something they don’t like.

Secondly, yesterday evening, the evening described below, I showed up at BL’s apartment with my checkbook in pocket, ready to pay her March rent.

Here’s the email, except with the picture embedded, not attached:

You texted me this morning stating, “I don’t know how to do this. Now i can’t even live in my car. i don’ t have bus money 2 get 2 doc. I did what u told me and u abandoned me. What do i do” and followed it up with, “How long can i stay here b4 i get evicted.“

Maybe you should have thought of these things before failing to do my laundry that I had given you two days earlier and that I had driven out of my way to pick up before my upcoming out-of-town trip, and then disrespecting me in front of your roommates while doing bong hits with one of them, sitting next to him on the couch and not even offering me any.  Of course, both of those guys having been raised by the type of dysfunctional mothers typifying our generation but prior to that being unknown throughout human history, they knew better than to take your side.

You said you didn’t finish my laundry because you found a girl’s shirt in my laundry bag.  My laundry was the one thing of any significance I had asked you to do for me over the course of several week since paying your first month’s rent, and something you’d voluntarily promised that you would do several times before.  You said you became depressed when you found the shirt because you are “human.”  In fact, however, the issue isn’t being “human” but rather being “huwoman,” a status most guys are in no mood to put up with anymore, especially considering the mass concerted efforts of your sisters to destroy guys economically through the combination of ill-gotten gains and extorting us for untold billions of transfer payments in exchange for sex.

The irony is, of course, that it was obviously your own fucking shirt.  You are the first one to state that you dress “frumpy,” and you are constantly exchanging your entire wardrobe in thrift stores.  Do you really think the Ann Taylor men’s-style buttoned business-casual shirt belonged to your primary competitor, a 22 YO bleach-blonde Florida stripper-type with 13 tattoos?  I may not be a womans’ clothing maven like you claim to be, but I do know that, and so even did the guyinist in my fitness center, a 50 YO fat middle-class Hispanic guy.  “Ann Taylor,” he laughed.  I didn’t even have to finish the sentence when he realized how farcical the situation was – except for the fact that I was stuck in my own laundry room until around midnight having to finish the job.  BTW, I haven’t even seen or talked live her in 2 1/2 weeks, since before your ludicrous Valentine’s Day monogamy demand and blow-up, after I chose to spend Valentine’s Day with you, not her.

What else have I asked from you?  We’ve had sex a whole twice since you’ve moved in, in no small part due to the fact that, after I implored you not to smoke in your room or else I wouldn’t want to spend time there, you proceeded to smoke-out your room so badly that I could barely breathe, and when I did sleep over and the blanket I brought over stank all day.

You’ve proverbially cried on my shoulder that no one at your church wants to help you, which got me thinking the other day that I have, effectively, become your church.  While if you were a pure-bred Jew I would probably be physically revolted by you and repelled by what your personality would likely be, the fact that it is half your heritage as well as all of mine (apart from unproven rumors by mother has circulated concerning supposed extra-marital activities of my father’s grandmother) is something that has played no small part in my looking-out after you and spending untold hours trying to help you get your life together.  Meanwhile, I go to a job I detest everyday, while you play on the internet and never get around to putting together a resume.

And what are the thanks I get?  You say you’re a guyinist, but, typical of your sex, your first mission – an apparent modus operandi of yours, is to bite the hand that feeds you.  I get to come over, sit in a smoke-filled room, hear you tell me how hot all the young guys you live around and with are relative to guys my age (a distinctly minority viewpoint, I should add), and have you show me half-naked pictures of 20 year-old guys, including the one you’ve been having sex with since soon after we met.  Well, click on the attachment, and treat yourself to a picture of the 22 year-old.  With the exception of a professional baseball player, she hasn’t slept with a guy anywhere even close to her age in two years.

So here it is – I’ll tell you “how to do this.”  You’ve been talking about bringing in another girl since shortly after we met, including in the context of moving into your current off-campus apartment complex.  Bring me a student-type of my liking for my bed, and I’ll cover next month’s rent.  She must be 18-25, and under 110 pounds.  No African-Americans, South Asians, or pure-bred Jews – not that any of them aren’t fuckable, but too few that I want to rely upon you selecting one for me.  Volunteers only – I’m not offering them compensation – I can find girls all day and night fitting that criteria on my own if I want to pay.  You are welcome, but not required, to attend and participate.  It shouldn’t be hard for you to find someone – as you know, these girls want almost nothing to do with guys in their own age group, except for black guys.  Especially with college sex ratios against their favor, they are quite willing and eager to meet guys my age, with all the corresponding benefits.  If you think it will help, tell them I’m 37 – considered by many young women to be the ideal age for a guy to be at first meeting – rather than 47.  They won’t know the difference.  .

I suggest you get started on it right away, before you get hit with the three-day notice.  Once your landlord has to go through the hassle and expense of filing suit for an eviction, I doubt they’ll be in a mood to let you stay.  I’ll be out of town and unavailable Thursday and Friday night.  Tonight, I have dinner plans I cannot break, but I can be ready by around 9:30 or so.  I won’t be back Saturday night until fairly late.

Women want special programs, laws, and considerations to fuck up our careers and businesses, but still expect most of us to be good little monogamous boys and support you all?   I know you aren’t the former, but guys today are in vice squeeze between the former and the latter.  Women en masse need to choose between the old way or the new way.  The combination is unacceptable.

You know what to do now – get it done, and all we be forgiven.

As the fallout from the Dirty D underage porn prosecution continues, “The Balls Monologues” continues to follow – and actively investigate – the scandal.

In my previous post, I noted that I may have unintentionally exposed all of you to picture of an underage girl sucking cock through a glory hole – a girl, no less, who I have had sex with and speculated might not have been18 at the time.

I have since undertaken an investigation and it appears to near-certainty that the girl in the picture, Tabatha Jennings, had reached her 18th birthday at the time the video, of which the picture is a part, was taken.

Details, and supporting proof, to follow later today, as well as any other updates concerning the Dirty D  underage-girl scandal and prosecution.

In a coordinated sweep by the three law enforcement agencies, two associates of Guyinism hero/adversary turned plain-old hero Michael Storm, a/k/a Dirty D, have been arrested for doing porn with a 17 year-old back in 2007.

Stephen Chastain was arrested by the Tampa police and Ryan Holtz was arrested by the St. Petersburg police, both arrests occurring this past Wednesday.   According to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, the three guys knew that the girl was using a fake ID but nonetheless paid her $500 to do two scenes.  Dirty D, whose most recent arrest was last year for jacking off in a porno movie theater after the Monologues made public that the porno video booth he had been using wasn’t in a real porno theater but rather in his subdivision home, has himself not yet been arrested because, according to an unidentified media informant, “dirtysgoindown (alleged to be Michael Chapin of Sarasota aka “Charles Taylor” by a commenter named “grownup),” Dirty D is currently in Spain at a porn convention, presumably the The Barcelona Summit – but the Summit ended six days ago.  It is not yet known whether Dirty D will return to the United States to face charges, or instead do the Curt Flood and take a one-way ferry ride out to Mallorca.

Because my porn comeback was largely planned around re-affiliating with Dirty D – for whom I did an internship in “Susan Reno is a Sticky Mess: The Tampa Bay Bukkake (Scene 2)” by being about the 14th guy to deliver a cum shot to the face of Susan Reno back when Dirty D’s then-fledgling empire was centered around gang-bangs, bukkakes, and the Tampa Bay Bukkake site – the arrests have placed my comeback in serious jeopardy.

My comeback had only recently geared-up.  I was becoming increasingly angry that some guys get paid to have sex every day while I am stuck in the office, had signed up for a porn-talent website, and had advised a Miami porn agent of my sexual resume.  Then, in response to a September 11, 2009, email from Dirty D inviting me to re-join his websites and noting that he was looking for stunt cocks in Tampa,  I embarked upon an extended series of measures in order to both get around the lifetime ban that Dirty D’s billing service, CCBill, had placed on me as retribution for my prevailing against CCBill in an unrelated credit card chargeback dispute, and to avoid letting Dirty D know my real alias in case he was still feeling any bad blood toward me as a result of some of my prior posts about him.

Almost immediately after I rejoined the Dirty one’s sites, I began receiving calls from Holtz to star in some scenes.  As I Tweeted on February 9, I had to turn down the first shoot I offered due to an early-morning appointment the next day, in combination with the fact that my gums had been bleeding after a teeth cleaning at a periodontist.  Despite these facts, I did inquire of Holtz to tell me more about the scene and the girl, but he wasn’t talking.  Who knows if that girl was underage, too?!!!

Holtz’s next call, less than a week later and also only on a few hours notice, was similarly untimely due to early morning commitments.  A few days later, Holtz called for the third time, a call I simply missed.  I called back to indicate my availability that evening, as well as that of a 24 YO girl who had just been released from jail and was eager to do some porn to make some money, but, apparently, my call was too late.  Holtz didn’t get back to me, and I haven’t heard from him the nearly two weeks since.  With the specter of Tampa’s leading porn empire in a shambles, it would seem unlikely I’ll be getting any more calls any time soon.

Aftershocks are reverberating around Tampa Bay.  It is not just those of us who are part of the Dirty D porn empire, but all guys who, like me, who have been relying upon Dirty D’s age-vetting in order to comply with federal law -  or what we thought was his age-vetting – before deciding to have sex with the younger-looking girls starring on his websites.  Of particular concern to me, as many of you regular readers know, is the true age of my former go-to hooker Tabatha Jennings, who I described as looking like a middle-school cheerleader and who, when she claimed to be she was 20, still didn’t even look anywhere near close to 18.

For those of us who are not sure they have ever seen a 17 year-old in porn, I do not yet know the identity of the girl involved (check sheriff site), or whether her videos still appear on any of Dirty D’s sites.  However, tread carefully – even if you merely and unwittingly view then, you can do time for kiddie porn – which means any of us who have viewed an area of the site where her image was(is?) available  – and perhaps wanked to it – can do time.  I’m confident Dirty D is web-savvy enough that he has probably taken down the contraband from overseas, but one can never be too careful.  For instance, if he delegated the hands-on web work, something which is likely for a guy with his resume of accomplishments (I have earlier described him as the Orson Welles of porn for the versatility of his achievements as Producer, Director, and star), he may not even have ready-access to the password.

Of course, come to think of it, if it turns out Tabatha Jennings was under 18 when the above video was filmed, it is already too late for you.  But no worries – if you do experience legal problems as a result of viewing this website,  Guyinism Legal Defense will be there to support you – assuming I am allowed to represent you from prison.  Besides, your case – unsuspectingly looking at a minor sucking cock on a kind-a, sort-a news site -  would be a great test case of the law.  You could make history!

For obvious reasons, the Monologues will be following this story very, very closely.

As readers of “The Balls Monologues” know, I am not a slave to societal convention.  One societal convention is that a movie reviewer is expected to actually see a movie before reviewing it.

Obviously, discussing a movie before seeing it is risky business.   A lot of people sounded off on “The Last Temptation of Christ” before seeing it, and then later found out it wasn’t as offensive to them as they had expected.

I’ll take my chances, anyway.

The guy lead in “She Out of My League”  is a gamma guy played by Jay Baruchel, referred to by his friends as a “moodle” ( i.e., a man-poodle. “women like to walk the moddle, feed the moodle, play with the moodle, but they never do the moodle“).  The moodle introduces his friends to the hot chick lead, and they immediately speculate that because she’s so hot,  she must be  a hooker.  As such, the scene is a great advertisement for hookers – my passion.  That’s the positive.

Here are the negatives.  In a scene borrowing from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and perhaps “The Balls Monologues,”  the character portrayed by Baruchel shaves his balls  – with the assistance of another guy.  There is no need for a guy to have another guy – or girl, for that matter – to help a guy shave his balls.

Ball shaving is very easy and comfortable – in fact, it is one of the easiest parts – perhaps the single easiest part -  of the body to shave.  First, trim the hairs short – there is no need to trim the hairs to their absolute shortest – just give it a good first shot.  Then, apply the shaving cream.  Let the shaving cream sit for a minute at most, and begin shaving.  There is no need for you to drag the razor hard against the skin and risk chafing – in fact, in my experience, chafing is extremely rare.  Also, there is no need for you to worry about getting every last hair – chicks will very much appreciate that most are gone, as your balls will feel smoother and smell better.  Also, another nice thing about balls is that, as you will see after you are done cutting the long hairs, they really don’t have many hairs on them in the first place.

And while you are down there, don’t forget about the taint, and your asshole.  If you shave it, chicks will start licking it – trust me.  And its not that I even want chicks to lick my ass, but a fair number of them want to, and if its all hairy, they’re just going to start licking some other guys’ ass so its important to make it nice for them – unless you are trying to get rid of girl, in which case having a hairy asshole and associated cling-ons is the ultimate George Costanza-like nose pick.

Speaking of shaving your asshole – there’s a worse-case scenario than just losing a girl you want to another guy, which is that she starts licking some others guys’ asshole, doesn’t tell you about it, and still wants to kiss you.  I haven’t heard of there being anything in the movie about shaving your asshole – given that the movie emphasized the issue of shaving balls, if there was nothing in the movie about shaving one’s asshole, I consider this another flaw.  Having started the job, the movie had some obligation to finish it – instead, what is going to happen is that, unless everyone who sees the movie reads this post, a lot of guys will end up unwittingly tasting some other guy’s poop.  That having been said, I hereby issue a mea culpa:  I have, at times, given the same incomplete advice as the movie.

Another peeve I have with the film is that the hot chick is attracted to the Baruchel character because he’s “nice.”  Of course, as you all know, in reality, most hot American broads are attracted to the kind of guy who not only steals from his business partner in order to keep the broad in luxury, but who, when confronted, is willing to stab the business partner in the chest.  And in fact, of course, if that wasn’t a truism, there would be virtually no market for this escapist movie and it wouldn’t have been made in the first place.

The other major issue I have with the movie is the title.  In fact, as set forth in an earlier post, guys can do just about anything better than women.  Even the least capable of guys is almost certainly more capable overall and stronger than just about any woman – look at what’s been accomplished in human history and tell me otherwise.  Very few women are actually out of the league of any guy.  What is real, however, is that Derek Jeter is in a different league than you, and the same chick that isn’t even in your league may still, if she’s hot, get a guy in the Major Leagues, even if only for a night.  I realize that having a title “She’s Not Out of My League, but She Could Fuck Derek Jeter if She Wanted to” is probably too lengthy.  Nonetheless, the title is offensive and demeaning to guys – the very audience the movie is intended for.

That having been said, if you enough of a moodle to allow another guy to shave your balls, then just about any girl is out of your league, so maybe the title is apropos after all.

“She’s Out of My League” opens in theaters nationwide on March 12.  I recommend you take the most important messages from the movie, and shave your balls and hire a hooker instead.

A chick I dated – but with whom I could never really work out a price – is making international (what other kind are there these days?) headlines by live-tweeting her abortion.

For the record, the chair was not my son – or daughter.

Here she is talking about it:

I found out about it by reading The Spearhead magazine,which I am beginning to think not only deserves a Loeb Award but should get multiple Pulitzers.  You can see an article on it, and extensive insider (no pun intended) comments by me, if you click here. I didn’t post it on The Monologues because I didn’t think, being more of a fun-loving crowd than The Spearhead’s readership, it would be that interesting to most of you, but click on the link, look for the longest-winded of my comments (the third), and enjoy.  There is a tip in my comment about how to easily get laid, so if for nothing else, its probably worth a look.

To preserve my reputation, here she is, looking better:

When one thinks of heroism and dignity in connection with Olympics, one thinks of “Chariots of Fire” and Jesse Owens.  One might even think of Tommie Smith and John Carlos doing the Black Power salute in the 1968 Olympics in Mexico City.

But then there’s womens’ Olympics.

First it was Harding and Kerrigan, now its Mancuso and Vonn.  True, neither has hired a hit-guy yet, but its bad enough women are in the Olympics at all – can’t they at least screen out the crybabies?

Here’s a link describing the simmering feud, and another describing a cry-fest involving the two last week.  Here’s another describing Julia Mancuso’s long history of crying.

No sooner did have to read, and dispense with, a femcentric comment on this site complaining about the skimpy outfits female athletes wear, than I read today that there is a movement afoot – by a chick – to make pole dancing as an Olympic sport.

As reported by the O.C.Register, “KT Coates, a leading pole dancer in Britain and director of Vertical Dance, is spearheading the effort to make pole dancing a “test” event in 2012 and foresees a more formal pitch in 2016, when the Olympics go to Rio de Jeneiro.”

Rio.  Kind of goes.

I readily concede that pole dancing is one of the few things women actually are better than guys at.

Imagine pole-dancing extraordinaire Jenny Hendrix on the Olympic team!

An all-time 100,000 condoms have been delivered to the Olympic Village in Vancouver this year.

In Rio, if KT Coates gets her way, expect that record to fall.

No mention by Valenti that that deaths of American military guys in the current operations in Iraq and Afghanistan has outnumbered female military deaths 4,754 to 116.   That’s right:  guys have  been in more than 95% of the bodybags.

Vallenti’s ludicrous comparison, which among other flawed logic equates rape with being killed, prompted my comment to the Post:  “Of course, if the military had been using women in hand-to-hand combat, those stats would surely have more than evened out.  Somehow I don’t think that’s point.“  I went on to again propose that our military become all female, in fairness to the women who were not allowed to get killed and maimed in wars for the past 200 years.

Apparently, the Post pulled my comment.

My heterosexcred is as strong as anybody’s, but I’d rather have a dick shoved involuntarily into my ass once than get killed – and rape of straight guy is of course worse than rape of a woman.

The fact that the likes of Valenti was granted such a column by one of the nation’s foremost newspapers shows why there’s so much guyinisting we need to do.

Speaking of which, I propose we bring back the draft, for the singular purpose of sending Valenti to the front.   I’m of the mind that neither of these military campaigns is worth engaging in anymore – drafting Valenti and sending her on a dangerous mission against the Taliban would give a lot of us a renewed sense of purpose.

Guyinism:  Coming up with ideas as far-fetched and ridiculous as the feminists dream up.  Hopefully, like so many of their’s,  some of our’s will be implemented, too.