Movie Review: “She’s Out of My League”

February 27, 2010

As readers of “The Balls Monologues” know, I am not a slave to societal convention. One societal convention is that a movie reviewer is expected to actually see a movie before reviewing it.

Obviously, discussing a movie before seeing it is risky business. A lot of people sounded off on “The Last Temptation of Christ” before seeing it, and then later found out it wasn’t as offensive to them as they had expected.

I’ll take my chances, anyway.

The guy lead in “She Out of My League” is a gamma guy played by Jay Baruchel, referred to by his friends as a “moodle” ( i.e., a man-poodle. “women like to walk the moddle, feed the moodle, play with the moodle, but they never do the moodle“). The moodle introduces his friends to the hot chick lead, and they immediately speculate that because she’s so hot, she must be a hooker. As such, the scene is a great advertisement for hookers – my passion. That’s the positive.

Here are the negatives. In a scene borrowing from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and perhaps “The Balls Monologues,” the character portrayed by Baruchel shaves his balls – with the assistance of another guy. There is no need for a guy to have another guy – or girl, for that matter – to help a guy shave his balls.

Ball shaving is very easy and comfortable – in fact, it is one of the easiest parts – perhaps the single easiest part - of the body to shave. First, trim the hairs short – there is no need to trim the hairs to their absolute shortest – just give it a good first shot. Then, apply the shaving cream. Let the shaving cream sit for a minute at most, and begin shaving. There is no need for you to drag the razor hard against the skin and risk chafing – in fact, in my experience, chafing is extremely rare. Also, there is no need for you to worry about getting every last hair – chicks will very much appreciate that most are gone, as your balls will feel smoother and smell better. Also, another nice thing about balls is that, as you will see after you are done cutting the long hairs, they really don’t have many hairs on them in the first place.

And while you are down there, don’t forget about the taint, and your asshole. If you shave it, chicks will start licking it – trust me. And its not that I even want chicks to lick my ass, but a fair number of them want to, and if its all hairy, they’re just going to start licking some other guys’ ass so its important to make it nice for them – unless you are trying to get rid of girl, in which case having a hairy asshole and associated cling-ons is the ultimate George Costanza-like nose pick.

Speaking of shaving your asshole – there’s a worse-case scenario than just losing a girl you want to another guy, which is that she starts licking some others guys’ asshole, doesn’t tell you about it, and still wants to kiss you. I haven’t heard of there being anything in the movie about shaving your asshole – given that the movie emphasized the issue of shaving balls, if there was nothing in the movie about shaving one’s asshole, I consider this another flaw. Having started the job, the movie had some obligation to finish it – instead, what is going to happen is that, unless everyone who sees the movie reads this post, a lot of guys will end up unwittingly tasting some other guy’s poop. That having been said, I hereby issue a mea culpa: I have, at times, given the same incomplete advice as the movie.

Another peeve I have with the film is that the hot chick is attracted to the Baruchel character because he’s “nice.” Of course, as you all know, in reality, most hot American broads are attracted to the kind of guy who not only steals from his business partner in order to keep the broad in luxury, but who, when confronted, is willing to stab the business partner in the chest. And in fact, of course, if that wasn’t a truism, there would be virtually no market for this escapist movie and it wouldn’t have been made in the first place.

The other major issue I have with the movie is the title. In fact, as set forth in an earlier post, guys can do just about anything better than women. Even the least capable of guys is almost certainly more capable overall and stronger than just about any woman – look at what’s been accomplished in human history and tell me otherwise. Very few women are actually out of the league of any guy. What is real, however, is that Derek Jeter is in a different league than you, and the same chick that isn’t even in your league may still, if she’s hot, get a guy in the Major Leagues, even if only for a night. I realize that having a title “She’s Not Out of My League, but She Could Fuck Derek Jeter if She Wanted to” is probably too lengthy. Nonetheless, the title is offensive and demeaning to guys – the very audience the movie is intended for.

That having been said, if you enough of a moodle to allow another guy to shave your balls, then just about any girl is out of your league, so maybe the title is apropos after all.

“She’s Out of My League” opens in theaters nationwide on March 12. I recommend you take the most important messages from the movie, and shave your balls and hire a hooker instead.

Click on pen to