The Balls Scrolls

September 24, 2009

As a result of my recent posts in Amanda Hess’ “The Sexist” blog, many of you are reading the Monologues for the first time. Before you read my earlier posts, there’s something I want to clarify, but first, I will quote a recent Commentator on “The Sexist” in response to my post, “Murder and Mayhem”

A guy named Danny commented, with my original comments in quotes, as follows (his entire comment, including my original comments, is in bold):

This is not to say rape shouldn’t be illegal. After all, guys, think about how disgusting it would be if a fat chick tied you down against your will, planted her smelly, hairy, yeasty pussy on your face, and kept gagging you with her filthy labia and engorged penis-like clit.
You do realize you could have just been generic and just said “someone you don’t want to have sex with” right? You didn’t have to put fat women on the spot like that (if you aren’t attracted to fat women that’s fine but this example sounds like by default straight men don’t want to have sex with fat women).

To be sure, rape CAN be a serious crime. For instance, rape of a straight guy by a fellow-guy is an unnatural and horrible and despicable act. It involves the insertion of one body part into another body part where it is clearly both not intended to go and where such body part is not welcomed by the recipient.
Rest assured it is a serious crime. I don’t think its on par with murder but to violate someone’s body in such a manner is serious. Most people regard sex (or least they themselves having sex) as a very intimate and private thing. To be forced to perform such a private act at someone else’s will is very serious indeed. However I can’t help but note that the example you note is of a hetero guy being raped by another man. I’m sure you don’t mean to but it almost feeds into what you say later:

But whether something is a truly serious crime shouldn’t merely depend upon who is doing it. Rape, of course, does. Few women in the United States would deny themselves the opportunity to have Derek Jeter insert his penis in their vagina, not even knowing anything about Derek Jeter’s penis, and yet if another guy, possibly with a nicer penis and better cocksmanship, does the same thing without the consent of the girl, or even with her consent but falsely claiming he is Derek Jeter, he faces decades in prison.
The problem you point out isn’t a matter of famous vs. not famous but if the perp and the victim is male or female. Take a look at when an adult rapes a child. When a man rapes an underage girl for the most part the mainstream media has no problem pointing out that that man did a horrible thing to that girl but when a woman rapes a boy all of sudden they want to know “what made her do it”. The understanding we have of sex these days is that men must want it all the time and to not want it is to not be a real man and women are not supposed to want it at all and to want it is to not be a real women (or “lady” if you will). So when that man rapes the girl it fits the dynamic of him wanting sex and her not but the shit gets crunk when that woman rapes that boy because boys are supposed to want sex all the time so there is no way he could be violated and women are not supposed to want sex there is way they could violate someone to get it.

I would adjust your example to show what would happen if Derek Jeter raped a woman under false pretenses vs. Jennifer Love-Hewitt raping a man under false pretenses. People would be saying Jeter’s victim was raped but Hewitt’s victim should thank his lucky stars for getting “raped” (the quotes being from the person saying that as a way to imply that there is no way a hetero guy would turn down a sexual encounter with her).

To Danny and all of you that read my posts so closely: I am flattered by the attention, but perhaps you’re analyzing my posts a little too closely.

First of all, I write humor, more or less. When people go to see standup at a local club, they typically say to themselves and each other about the comedian, things like, while guffawing, ”he’s right,” “I can relate to that,” “he has a point,” and “that’s so true.” Of course, quite often by the end of the routine, the comedian has largely contradicted what he or she earlier said, but the audience laughed a lot and, in general, the comedian made some pretty good insightful points. After the show, no one – at least not from the general public – orders a transcript of the show, analyzes the act word-by-word, and then goes ahead and writes the comedian about the inconsistencies and imprecision,or how the act could have been slightly improved.

Similarly, The Balls Monologues should not be read as if they are the Dead Sea Scrolls. The central theme of The Monologues and Guyinism is to educate guys, and push for legislation, so guys can regularly get laid in their own home by hot chicks without having to get married, have kids and spend $350,000.00 each on them, even have a serious girlfriend, or exercise regularly. If as a result of my efforts, marriage becomes obsolete - which I am fairly confident would eventually result in civilization breaking down and either guys almost as a whole or women almost as a whole becoming subject to widespread famine (I’m not sure which sex will suffer, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be one or the other), wars and insurrections erupting, and the takeover of the planet by apes (except for a small colony of humans without skin living underground in the ruins of New York City on the other side of The Forbidden Zone) – I will have contributed enough to the world. There’s no need to hang on my every word in a search for absolute truth.

In a nutshell, what I say to you is do hookers instead of engage in traditional degra-dating and/or at least tolerate legislation giving us a right to choose willing sex partners, and you are accepted into the guyinist fold – you’ll pretty much figure out everything from there. Enjoy the ride.

As for the rest of your critique, if and when you find a post by a woman taking a pro-female stance on gender issues half as long as mine or more and that is anywhere near as internally consistent and logical, let me know and I’ll start worrying about fine-tuning my posts. I’m 46 and still waiting to read my first one. One! OK, I’m exaggerating. Maybe there’ve been three. In their diatribes and railings against us, as far as the use of reason, fairness, and logic, women have set the bar quite low – I surely exceed it.

The fact is, starting with my initial post in The Balls Monologues, which can be seen by clicking on my name, my intent is to parody. On gender topics, to parody allows me to be as nonsensical, unreasonable, and extreme as women when it suits my argument. Of course, like just about all other great comedians, my humor is reflective of inner rage.

This is not to say that I am generally nonsensical, unreasonable, or extreme – in fact, I think I’m pretty sensible and reasonable (OK, I can be a little extreme), but I don’t fine tune my posts for the slightest inconsistency. Rather, I prefer to make the case for guys in the alternative.

If you are looking for bloggers that take themselves very seriously while they carry the flag for us guys in a drier fashion, perhaps MensNewsDaily (http://mensnewsdaily.com/) is for you. But be forewarned – there’s not a lot on those posts to indicate those guys have much experience with pierced clitori, vaginal tats, or hitting girls from the back that are in the process of eating their best friend’s pussy. I’ll make you laugh more. And I’ll show you how to get laid. Really laid, by women who are professionals at it.

Finally, I’ll worry about not offending women when women worry about not offending guys. In case you haven’t noticed, they love ranting on and insulting us like fat kids loves cake.

Speaking of fat, you wrote about my post, “You didn’t have to put fat women on the spot like that (if you aren’t attracted to fat women that’s fine but this example sounds like by default straight men don’t want to have sex with fat women).”

That’s right, Danny, I can’t speak for all of us, but it is indeed quite true that, by default, straight guys don’t want to have sex with fat women.

For that matter, neither do gay guys.

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