Johns by Choice

January 22, 2009

I can get laid without paying for it, trust me.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m far from the biggest stud in the world. I’m not tall (5’9″), not yet famous, no spring chicken (though I do look shockingly young for my age, there are some subtle signs), not particularly gregarious, and have a low capacity for alcohol which hurts my stamina. There’s nothing really physically impressive about me, at least not while I’m dressed, and I recently noticed that, in a world where proportionality is considered synonymous with good looks, no two of my facial features are in alignment, but I overachieve. I’m a closer, not an opener that goes up to strange chicks in bars, much more of a Mariano than an Andy Pettitte.

The night after this past Thanksgiving, I fucked a 5’3″, 105 pound, 23 year-old Hooters Girl who had been a stripper for four years, including at the Thee Doll House (the original) in Orlando. I fucked her right after we got kicked out of the original Scores East Side in Manhattan, where she showed up the other girls by being a real stripper from a big-time stripping state, by not only being better-looking than any of them, but by giving me lap dances while nearly as scantily-clad as they were. I fucked her on my grandmother’s couch, not just in her pussy, but, upon her explicit request, in her ass while she called me “daddy” over and over. I fucked her till my pubic bone was so mashed up by her clit ring that I couldn’t fuck any more.

And I’d fucked this same girl’s 5’6″, 120 pound, 37 year-old blood-aunt (her mother’s sister) just the year before.

The weekend before I fucked the Hooters Girl, I’d fucked a Russian at a swingers party in Fort Lauderdale on the Friday night, albeit sharing her with some black guy I don’t know who joined in halfway through, and the next night, after another party in the same house, played with a very cute girl who was at her first swingers party. The latter lived with a guy who she wasn’t having sex with and told me and everyone else there that she didn’t even have any sexual thoughts or feelings anymore and hadn’t in over a year. Lets just say that wasn’t the case by the time I got out of her car at the end of the night.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, I fucked a 20-year-old ex. Yes, only 20, and already an ex. I’d met her on www.sugardaddyforme.com almost a year before, less than a week after she turned 20 in fact, but, despite the domain name, she was really there just to meet older guys, upon whom she’s fixated – she thinks Rudy Giuliani is the hottest guy in the world. I can’t remember a girl I spent less money on – she wanted to hang out around the house more than anything else, in lieu of my suggestions to dinner and clubs – and bought me a $125 monogrammed money clip from Tiffany’s for Valentine’s Day. I think I got her coasters (OK, I know what I gave her wasn’t as cheap as coasters – I did actually once get a girlfriend coasters for her birthday – but it was some much-cheaper-than-the-gift-she-gave-me crappy gift). She wants me to give her a facial next time, and has asked me to fuck her on the morning of her wedding to another guy next month.

A couple weeks after that, I found myself being groped by and making out with a 31 YO married spinner less than five minutes after I met her, before Tiesto was even spinning – and she wasn’t even rolling.

So, I can get sex “free.”

But why bother?

The night in New York cost me over $350. It started at a comedy club in the Village, and between drinks, taxis, tips, appetizers at that restaurant in the downstairs of the Gansevoort, and the outrageous charges at Scores, it added up. Scores was the real killer – most strip clubs allow couples in free – Scores clipped us (well, me) for $30 each. A tiny, 4 oz. or so bottled water, was $10. Worse, the night didn’t lead to anything more. The morning after, some guy spat in her face in the subway, making me look bad, and back in Florida, she still had a boyfriend in Tampa, still had a 20 year old girlfriend in Orlando, and within a few weeks, my friend, who dates her mother, through her mother into the street in the cold rain, which, needless to say, put a damper not just on her mother’s head, but on our future.

Swinging as a single guy is a pain in the ass. Generally, either you’re primarily at a couple’s party and the husbands and boyfriends are steering their partners away from you since they want to hook up either with girls or guys who have girls – or, you’re at a single-guy friendly party, where typically you’ll be in the middle of fucking a chick when some black (or white or yellow or purple) guy just spontaneously joins in – or, worse yet, where you’re the one that has to jump in, or else you get to spend the night watching lots of other people have sex and not getting any yourself. IMO, either way, while I’m way more likely to get laid going single to a swingers party than going out to a club (I estimate 75% v. 1%), it usually still sucks.

As for the 20 YO, well, I’m very selective when it comes to fitness (remember this line guys – its not that you’re “picky about looks”), and she just can’t lose the weight.

And after another night of groping and licking, the married chick was advised by her husband that she had been abandoning her son, so that was that for us.

And I hate the bar thing, and I’m not good at it, and I don’t like to date chicks I’m not into just to get sex anymore – I never really did like that, but I do that.

And, of course, Are Wives Necessary? – or maybe Wives Ain’t Exactly Necessary – could end up being an entire book.

And it goes on and on.

All of this leads me to something without doubt much more interesting to you than the pussy-roll I was on from mid-November to mid-December – how you, even if you have limited time, even if you are married, even if you’re hideous and fat, even if, like Eric the Midget from the Howard Stern show, you are a midget in a wheelchair – heck, even if you consider yourself gay - how even if you are all those things and less, – how even you, yes YOU – the guy reading this now – can fuck hot chicks – different hot chicks, and young hot chicks at that - young hot petite chicks, spinners (my faves), and young hot chicks with big boobs – young hot blondes, young hot brunettes, and young hot Asians – young hot Latinas and young hot black chicks, including young hot black chicks with blonde mothers - 18 year olds, hot MILFs, and, if its your thing, well-preserved GYFLS (not my, uh, er, bag - I once broke up with a girl when I found out she was a 39 YO grandmother) - young hot chicks with pierced tongues, clits, noses, and eyebrows – young hot chicks with tattoos, including tramp stamps just above their ass and kitty paw prints paving a path to their pussies – young hot chicks who will enthusiastically put on hot lingerie you bought for them – young hot chicks who, within minutes of meeting them for the first time, strip naked and happily re-enact your favorite scene in porn which just happens to be playing on your computer at the time - young hot chicks with laser-hair-removed pussies – young hot chicks with pussies they just shaved and bathed for you – young hot chicks in porn – young hot chicks that love having their tits covered with cum- young hot chicks with live-in girlfriends and who don’t otherwise date guys - young hot chicks that used to give it out free on sex websites like www.adultfriendfinder.com until they figured they may as well get money- hot chicks that squirt – - hot chicks that up for letting you fuck the shit out of them (“Greek”) – young hot chicks that do you in threesomes with other young hot chicks - hot naked, fucking and sucking chicks all the time. Yes. You. I really mean you.

Pinch yourself right now! Do it! That’s right -the guy feeling the pinch – you! You, too, can be fucking these chicks. Easily.

How can you do it? The same way I do. I just pay. Its really quite simple. No pickup lines and routines to memorize, no wing-men needed to play off of, no overpriced dinners, no boring plays. Like Charlie Sheen, Governor Elliot Spitzer, Senator David Vitter, Hugh Grant, Pat O’Brien, Artie Lange, the better part of the Minnesota Vikings football team, and maybe even soon Kim Kardashian (see my Natalie Dylan post), I’m a John by Choice.

I’ll detail the mechanics – and art of it all – in future posts. As I sit here writing this in a Starbucks, Jess (see my “My Baby Turned 20″ post) just texted me (“When can I c u again?”) for the second time today, and suddenly I don’t feel like writing any more.

For now, I’ll leave you guys with this question – I welcome your responses: why is it always a pimps and hos party, and not a johns and hos party? we have the money, we obviously know how to find sex and fuck - what, Charlie Sheen isn’t cool enough?- He’s like the coolest guy ever (and the one time I partied with him, he did not disappoint, throwing up in the men’s room of a packed McSorley’s). Without us, there are no pimps and there are no hos. Who needs pimps? What do they do? – babysit?

Guyinism will change that.