We can do anything better than they can – Part 1 in a series of about a billion

January 21, 2009

Steve Lawrence is right, Eydie is wrong – we can do just about anything better than they can.

Welcome to part 1 of a nearly infinite series of things guys do better than women, or things that are better about guys than women. In this series I will be reporting on scientific and academic studies that show this, and hopefully conducting some of my own, as well as debunking those studies that show otherwise. The latter is not really a difficult task, its just that hardly anyone has had the balls to do it. DirkJohanson has the balls, or maybe just the stupidity and lack of self-preservation skills, but either way, it will get done.

You probably knew in your heart that we are better already but have had any fact that militates in womens’ favor beaten into you so much by the female-consumption-advertising-based media that you’ve forgotten. Your Dad knew it, and your grandfather, and by the time Guyinism is done documenting it all, you’ll never forget it again, so when you encounter a hot broad with a good job that claims she’s looking for her equal and thinks her equal is Derek Jeter and not you, you will have the confidence to know that, chances are (ah, those 1950s crooners again), she is nowhere near your equal, let alone the equal of a Hall of Fame shortstop.

OK, I know there are some things that are better about them – they have vaginas and breasts, and they can breast feed – and no doubt a few things more. And, of course, almost all women do at least something better than some guys – my mom drives better than my dad, for instance – but pretty much, we guys rule. Are there really a whole lot of other things they do better? Please. Look around – its our planet, they just live on it. What have they built? What have they created?

And what’s their excuse? They’ve had more than 40 decades of hiring and admissions preferences, not to mention at least 20 years of progressively showing more skin in job interviews and on sales calls - quite long enough to distinguish themselves. I know their lame excuses – not being able to break into the male hierarchy, the glass ceiling, all the bullshit with mere pittances of kernels of truth – so what’s their excuse for not being able to start their own businesses and industries? The internet was barely even around 40 years ago – why didn’t some chicks get together and start an Apple Computer, a Microsoft, a Cisco, and even have anything to do with running more than a handful of the big websites? Why aren’t there big-time female personal injury lawyers advertising on TV? ”Hedge fund” wasn’t even a word 40 years ago – how come the successful hedge fund managers are almost all guys? In fact, who among their sex has even run a global Ponzi scheme?

Traditionally, women were know for cooking, and yet nearly all the world’s great chefs are guys. How about a subcategory of cooking, like baking cookies? Who’s most famous? Why, its Amos. Even fields that women gravitate to in flocks - fashion, interior decorating, cosmetics – pretty much dominated by guys, albeit gays guys, which just goes to show.

And, as I’m proving by this blog, when we throw caution to the wind, even in a world that hates a guy (but not a girl) who complains, we sure as hell can rant about the opposite sex better, too, which, until I came along, would be like saying guys could do needlepoint better.

Oh, wait, never mind – they don’t do that better, either – for a second, I forgot about the famed needlepoint skills of legendary football player Rosey Grier. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosey_Grier

Sure, a lot of our success – a damn lot of it - is a result of motivation – with the inherent, eternal pussy shortage outlined in my earlier post about Natalie Dylan, we are driven to succeed in order to curry favor with them. But that doesn’t take away from the point If you work harder than the next guy to be a better guitar player, or a better shortstop, than the next guy or gal, you’re still a better guitar player or a better shortstop. And if you didn’t have to work harder, then you are truly better all the more.

The latest study showing how much better we are was reported today on Bloomberg- yes, that’s right, Bloomberg, as in self-made billionaire and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the female equal of which in the entire history of the human race is no one. Bloomberg reports on a study that basically says that we are better than women at putting the fork down. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=newsarchive&sid=aqumFudNKS4M And while all of us who have walked through any mall once already knew that guys tend to have better self-control than women – and that snake all the way back in the Garden of Eden had an inkling - its still empowering to know there’s a scientific study backing us up – a real scientific study, using things like positron emission tomography, whatever that is, to study cognitive inhibition. And next time some broad comments on your or some other guy’s voracious eating habits, you can clink on the link, and the links in that link, and show her that, apparently, women are just more subtle about it.

Just remember – no slacking. We don’t want another study coming along and going the other way. Tonight, stay away from dessert.

More coming.

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