Welcome to The Balls Monologues

I love my balls. You should love your balls, too – balls are our lifeblood. Our balls are the reason we get up in the morning. Our balls make us want to fuck. By the way, if you haven’t tried to shave them, they’re surprisingly easy and painless to shave. If you shave your balls, you’ll love them even more since girls will love them, too.  Girls love my balls now, and once they’ve touched them and sucked them, they can’t get enough of them.

If you go to the Sex and Relationship shelves of just about any bookseller in America, whether traditional storefront or online, the stacks, virtual or otherwise, are almost exclusively filled with books written for women. Just about the only books written for guys are primers on how to pick up girls.

It is often said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. This blog is an exception – its more like shanzai to the Chinese – it is the imitation that is clever and shows ingenuity. It will be imitation for the sole reason that its the only way to at least partially deflect the inevitable but baseless accusations of misogynism that a guy telling it like it is about women will attract.  We will imitate the hateful venom women spew about us every day, in what I have labelled The Cunt Diatribes, many of which will be linked to this site.While The Game may be a masterpiece of pickup theory and there are ample writings on sexual technique, there’s almost nothing out there intelligently written for guys looking for a longer-term solution or validation of their feelings and viewpoints. Viewpoints, I might add, that are far more intelligent than the largely-standard female clueless blather that permeates everything from the mainstream media to date conversations.

While written for guys, women need to hear from us, too – In her “Are Men Necessary” book jacket, Maureen Dowd says “I don’t understand men”. In a 2005 article by Amy Sohn in New York magazine, The Vagina Dialogues, six female sex columnists “compare notes.” One of them, Racher Kramer Bussel of the Village Voice, states, “What I think is really interesting at this table is, where are the guys writing about sex, beyond [gay syndicated columnist] Dan Savage?” Here I am. Here I am and what I have to write will have more of an impact than what all of them have written because, unlike so much of what they write, its reflective of reality and because guys will get it.

In that article, Bussel continued, “I think it stems from straight guys not being as comfortable talking about sex in general.” Another of the female columnists, Miriam Datskovsky, responded: “Men are not accustomed to being open about their emotions or fears and concerns and shames. Men can only write and talk [notice the cut at men’s abilities] about sex and and not feel like any less of a man – but really only at the joking level.”  Well, here it is, and the reason we keep our mouths shut, is what we have to say, like so much of what they have to say, is not what women will want to hear – and while a female can still keep a guy if she write venom about guys because he’ll be wanting to get some, any guy writing the same way will be subject to ostracism and retribution by womem.Whatever guy writes a blog like this is going to have to make enough off it to afford a lifetime of hookers – and a rich guy wouldn’t write this blog because he would have no reason to. Good thing a lifetime of hookers is my chief recommendation for relationships with women.Of course, anyone whose ever been in a guys’ locker room, or just about any conversation between guys anywhere on the planet, knows that what Bussel wrote is simply not true.

The problem is, if we publicly exclaim what we truly believe in mixed company, we fear being shunned, branded, labeled a misogynist, labeled a pig, losing our current relationships, losing our jobs, losing female friends, and losing out on sex. No more than Seinfeld’s Uncle Leo’s own girlfriend is an anti-Semite am I a misogynist. I love the women in my family, have loved several women I’ve dated, and warm relationships with other women I’ve known – many of whom agree with much of what I will write.

Moreover, we know truly how few women out there are available to the average guy and worth marrying, and we know our chances of finding one of the few women who could be “the one” are slim enough to begin with. We can’t take a chance that somehow what we write will be out there and fall on her ears, whoever she is, strike her wrong, and narrow that list even further, so we’re careful and remain silent. But not me. I’m 46 and while I still date young chicks (the last five women I’ve slept with, over the course of about the last eight weeks, were a 23 year-old Hooters Girl, a 22 year-old ex-stripper, another 20 year old ex-stripper, 20, and a 19 year-old ex-internet porn star, respectively – and I didn’t even have to pay the 23 year old or one of the 20 year olds!)I feel I have little to lose anymore, except my job, but good riddance to that anyway.

Guyinism - our voice –  is here – finally.