Why only one whore?

February 11, 2009

If you’re a judge or a politician or a clergyman, you can only have one. But for the rest of us – with the odds of getting busted so slim to begin with, and with solicitation arrests all but unheard of in the comfort of one’s own home – why be stuck with only one whore?

This issue has come most recently to mind while reading the trials and tribulations of the DABA (“Dating a Banker Anonymous”) Girls (http://http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/page/4/) who have been been garnering some big-time press of late. The DABA girls, not to be confused with their shallow and less career-successful underlings, Bottle Poppin Girls (http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/bottle-poppin-girls/), are professional women who profess to be attracted to the human qualities that wealthy investment bankers, who probably went into banking quite by accident and whose bets with other people’s money were so incompetent the most notable absence from the stimulus package before Congress is now funding for infrastructure to produce Soylent Green, just happen to have. Of course, the Bottle Poppin Girls are the girls the FBFs really want but think they can’t bring home to mother.

As the fortunes of their FBFs (Finance guy Boyfriends) have dropped, so have the lifestyles of the DABA Girls. In the months since the global financial meltdown began, the DABA Girls have had their Bergdorf allowances halved, have had bottle service cut, and have had, at least on occasion, to stay in for dinner. Now, apparently, they can’t even get laid. http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/sexless-in-the-city/ They’re going sexless in the city, experiencing part of the widely-reported trend of girls no longer getting asked out.

I like to think that with some extra time on their hands, their laid-off or otherwise underemployed ”math nerd” FBFs have put their math skills to work. After all, if DirkJohanson and his underwhelming five-figure salary and low-six-figure-life-savings can afford a few dozen girls less than half his age a year, it doesn’t take a finance whiz to conclude that the mere remnants of a seven-figure former life can go a long way in New York City, with its expensive rents that Bottle Poppin Girls need to figure out a way how to pay. In fact, considering back when I worked on the Street I could get a face-full of tits for a buck and a half (that’s, one dollar and fifty cents) at the windowless peeps on Ann Street, I like to think that the FBFs were even making these calculations when times were flush, and viewed carrying the DABA Girls as an obligatory expense to make their parents happy that they were on daddy-track, and to have someone to bring to company functions and to travel with who technically wasn’t on-the-clock during sexual downtime.

In an earlier age, marriage was only for the rich – it was a luxury average guys couldn’t afford, as it is fast becoming again – clearly, marrying DABA Girls was a luxury only pre-2007 bankers could afford.

One could say that, in a sense, DABA Girls are the human equivalent of the fake LV sold by Nigerians on tables in front of the flagship Bloomingdale’s. On the other hand, unlike real LV, real whores are a lot cheaper in the long run than the copycats, as any guy with rudimentary math skills and time to focus can figure out.

And as any DABA Girl knows, there’s nothing like the quality of the real thing. When you need a root canal, do you go to a bar and try to ply a non-dentist with alcohol and pickup lines to do the root canal free? Of course not. Why should it be any different for sex?

And, guys, who looks like more fun -

DABA Girls, the expensive imitation?:

or, for the price of a boring or contentious dinner, the real thing?:

at http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/ers/1027791862.html

And if its educated you’re after, how about Eastern European grad student “Paulina” at http://new-york-escorts.cityvibe.com/escorts/?do=catview&cat=ES Here she is:

Now, us guys still need to push for the guys’ right to choose – just in case, and because even judges and politicians and ministers should be allowed to have more than one whore, too.

Well, maybe not politicians.